Taming Our Tongues

Purpose: By the end of this lesson, I want my students to be motivated to improve their communications and to know several ways to improve. 

Note: This lesson has enough material to spread out over several sessions. 

Supplies: 1) Two bars of candy for winner of introductory game. 2) A word on a sheet of paper for each row (same word) for introductory game.

Additional Resources: Overhead and Student Handout. 

Hint: Think through the times people have both hurt you and helped you with their words. Recall some of your most embarrassing verbal blunders. Sharing your personal stories can bring the lesson alive and make the students more willing to share their own stories.  Also, students will discover that you are affected by people's words, helping them to learn empathy. 

ACTIVITY: Back Words

Make sure each row (front to back) has an even number of students. Hand out the same word to every other student in a row, starting with the last person. Tell them that when you say "Go!" each person with a word in hand should try to spell the word on the back of the person in front of them. No talking allowed. When the person thinks they know a letter, they should not say it, but write it down and tell their partner to go to the next letter. The first person in the class to yell out the word gets a bar of candy, along with the person who wrote on his/her back.

Debriefing: Communicating your thoughts with words isn't always easy. But cutting off verbal communication and trying to communicate through other means can be downright exasperating. Why do you think we sometimes want people to interpret our feelings without using words? How does that sometimes frustrate us?

You may think that you shouldn't have to tell your boyfriend that you'd rather go to a quite coffee-shop and talk rather than hang out with the crowd. He should just know by your sullenness that you're not in the mood for a crowd. But what other ways might your boyfriend interpret your sullenness? The bottom line? If you want people to know what you want and feel, make it clear to them in words.

In this lesson we'll talk about the importance of our words and how to improve our communications.  

Children are often taught to reply to insults like this:  "Sticks and stones (say it with me!) may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."  Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not? (Let them share.) Regrettably, this saying is far from the truth.  Words are incredibly powerful.  Solomon, known for his wisdom for 3,000 years, put it this way,

“The tongue has the power of life and death…”

How do you think people's words can cause death? (Give them time to respond.)

Hitler's motivating speeches brought physical death to thousands.  Students have committed suicide because of the unkind words of others.  But how do words cause emotional death? (People get discouraged, give up, get depressed, etc.) 

Let student's share. 

So, the bad news is that the tongue is so powerful that it can kill. The good news is that its power can be used to bring life. 

Illustration: One day a schoolteacher asked the assistance of Stevie Morris, a blind student, to find a mouse in her classroom.  For the first time, someone had appreciated Stevie's unusual ability to hear.  This event changed his life.  He began to concentrate on his assets rather than his handicap, and became one of the great pop singers and songwriters of the 70's.  His stage name is Stevie Wonder.  His teacher's words brought  him life.   

Discussion: Leader: share how someone’s words have either helped or hurt you. Then, allow students to share how they have seen words either help or destroy people.  They may remember how someone’s words changed their lives, for good or for ill.  They may remember times when their own words helped or hurt others.  

The power of words is immense. A well-chosen word has often sufficed to stop a fleeing army, to change defeat into victory, and to save an empire. (Emile DeGirardin)

Transition: So, there can be no doubt as to the power of our spoken words.  How, then, can we tame the negative and harness the positive power of the tongue to improve our relationships? 

How to Tame the Tongue

Discussion: We're so used to the way we talk that it's difficult to see our own communication blunders. It’s much easier to spot poor communication in others than in ourselves.   So, let’s list some of the communication blunders that we see in others in order to  look at ourselves, to see if we're doing the same things.  I’ll guarantee you that if you honestly look at your own life, several of these truths will grab you.  

Write down the points that you think you need to work on the hardest. (Have a student write on the board the communication blunders that students share. If they're having a hard time coming up with something, have them think through their family communications, then in the neighborhood, in the lunch room, in an extra-curricular activity. The below ideas can add to what they get and help you elucidate. Idea: If your class gets into competition, you might divide the class in half, with each team sending a person to the blackboard to list as many types of verbal blunders as they can. Give them about 3 minutes. The winners serve donuts to the losers.)

Don’t you hate it when…

1.  ...people say the wrong thing at the wrong time?

Management guru Peter Drucker claimed that 60 percent of all management problems result from faulty communications.

Large group discussion:  Do any of you have humorous examples of verbal blunders you have either made or heard?  How do you think we can avoid this problem? (Get their ideas.)

• Think before you speak. Remember, your words are powerful!

• Ask yourself, how will this person respond to what I am about to say?

• Be sensitive to the people you are speaking with. Try to put yourself in their shoes and predict their response to your words. 

• Notice people's response. Isn’t it amazing how many times you can tell that someone is obviously either bored or offended by what  someone else is saying, yet the obnoxious offender keeps speaking on the same subject, oblivious to the listener’s reaction?

Illustration: A high school band member was practicing marching with his squad early one morning.  Seeing a small speck on a girl’s leg, he unthinkingly said, “Get that ugly piece of grass off your leg!”  But it wasn’t a piece of grass.  It was a mole!  She kept a band aid over it from then on.  And no matter how much he apologized and said he was just kidding, the damage had been done. How could he have avoided this?

Illustration: On the positive side, Winston Churchhill, one of the greatest men of the 20th century, often labored hard to word, not just his speeches, but his apparently casual remarks.  Someone said that Churchhill spent the best years of his life preparing impromptu speeches!  But his words were powerful, and did much to rally the forces that led to Hitler's defeat. 

            Timely, well-crafted statements can touch lives! 

So, let's give more thought to our words. Plan them. They are powerful. 

Now back to  “Don’t you hate it when…"

2. ...people respond from emotion rather than reason?

“Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.” (Solomon)

Have you ever said something out of emotion that you later regretted? You wanted to grab those words and put them back in your mouth, but it was too late? Help me out here.  What are some ideas on controlling our outbursts. (example:  count to 10 before replying, walk away and come back when you're calm…)

3. ...people talk about others behind their backs?

The assassin and the slanderer differ only in the weapon they use; with the one it is the dagger, with the other the tongue. The latter is worse than the former, for the first only kills the body, while the other murders the reputation. (Tyron Edwards)

''Speak ill of no man, but speak all the good you know of everybody.'' (Benjamin Franklin)

Discussion: How many of you have been hurt by slander and gossip?  Why do you think people gossip and slander?  (Possible answer:  either because they do not like the person or they try to get others to like them by sharing juicy bits of information.)  Yet, what eventually happens to people who slander and gossip?  (They end up in trouble and often drive people away.  No one wants to share their deepest thoughts for fear that they will one day be made public.  If I hear someone constantly running other people down, I know that he will someday do the same to me.  I keep my distance.  They can end up lonely and isolated.)

4. ...people lie?

When a person regularly lies, what affect does it have on them? (People don't trust them and hesitate to get close to them.)

5. ...people talk too much?

 “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." (Solomon)

People who talk too much generally don't know that they talk too much. How can you know if you talk too much? (Ask family members or friends.) Any ideas for how a person can cure it?

Rx for the Blabber Mouth:

a.  Become truly interested in other people, not just getting other people interested in you.
b.  Practice the "2/3 rule".  Try to get others talking 2/3 of the time by asking open-ended (cannot be answered by a "yes" or "no") questions.
c. Have a friend give you a signal (like a tap on the shoulder) when you're dominating the conversation. 
d.  Other ideas?

6. ...people will never admit it when they are wrong?

Illustration: I heard a leader say that he considers one of his worst moments as a time when he tried to cover up a mistake rather than admit it.  People would have respected him more had he said, "You are right.  I was wrong.  How do you think I could best correct this mistake?"

7 . ...people talk incessantly about themselves?

“Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; someone else, and not your own lips.” (Solomon)

Discussion: Without giving names, how many of you know someone who always talks about himself?  What do you think of that person? Don’t you hate it when somebody constantly tops every experience you share with a bigger and better experience?  Do people flock to his or her presence?

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than in 2 years of trying to get other people interested in you." (Success Expert Dale Carnegie)

8. ...people dwell on the negative?

Begin to look at the bright side of things, and watch you family and friends desire to spend more time with you. 

9. ...people don't listen?

For some people, listening is simply waiting for their turn to speak.  They are more concerned with what they want to say next rather then what the other person is saying.  Few of us seem to realize the incredible importance of listening.

Discussion: What are some ways we can become better listeners? (We have an entire lesson dedicated to the art of listening.)

Idea! Ask for volunteers to prepare a skit that illustrates a lot of the wrong ways to communicate. Perhaps it could be impromptu. As they demonstrate a wrong way, class members could raise their hands to guess which bad habits they are practicing. 

The quality of our communication will determine a lot of our future success or failure. Yet, most of us either ignore our faults or don't want to put forth the effort to change. 

Illustration: If you play the guitar, (or any instrument, or a sport like golf) do you remember what it was like when you first started playing? Was it comfortable at first to play the instrument the right way or throw the ball the right way? Only with great effort and time were you able to reach the point where you could play with comfort and ease.  Similarly, it’s awkward to try to change lifelong habits of speech.  It seems unnatural to try to get other people talking if your habit is to dominate the conversation. Yet, as difficult is it is to change old habits of communication, these changes could be some of the most important you could make in your life.

Action Points: Look over the list of items on the board. ("Don't you hate it when...?) On your student sheet, star the items that you need to work on. This week, become aware of good conversationists and poor ones, learning more about how to communicate well.

(Copyright August, 1997 by Legacy Educational Resources)