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Who Cares?
(Compassion/Empathy, for 5th-6th Grades)

Purpose: By the end of this lesson, I want my students to 1 - know how to be more compassionate, 2 - feel more compassionate toward others and 3 - commit themselves to be more compassionate.

Supplies Needed: Paper and pencil for the "In-Common Game," donuts to be served by the losing team to both teams. "Complement Tree" handout.

Making it Personal: Think of events in your life that helped you realize the importance of empathy. Think of specific times when people's lack of empathy hurt you. Could sharing any of these personal life experiences help the impact of this message?

Discussion: 

We use the word ''love'' in so many ways, that it often loses its meaning. I heard of a young boy in elementary school who found the courage to let a classmate know his feelings for her. He passed her a note in class that read, 

''Cathy, I like you. Do you like me? 

Love, David.'' 

To which she replied, 

''No, I hate you. 

Love, Cathy.''

How was Cathy using the word "Love" in that statement? (A formality, not meaning anything at all.) What are some other ways we use the word "love?" (I love Coke…to cook…a favorite movie…pizza…)

Today we want to talk about a character quality that's close in meaning to "love" - "Empathy."  How would you define "Empathy," and how is it different from "Love"? (Get some responses and put them on the blackboard.) For this session, we'll use this working definition:

"Empathy is understanding, sensing and sharing in the feelings and emotions of others."

In this lesson we want to grasp the importance of empathy and discover some practical ways to express it.  I'm convinced that what you do with this lesson may have more impact on your future success and happiness than anything else you learn in school. That's a pretty bold statement, but I think I can back it up. 

Competition!! 

In order to get the creative juices flowing, let's do a brainstorm competition! Divide the class into two teams. You have three minutes to get as many ideas as you can on "Why We Don't Show Empathy" and 3 minutes on "Why should we develop empathy?" The losing team serves donuts, first to the winning team and then to themselves. Appoint a writer for your team to go to the board and list your team's ideas as you get them. 

(Under both this point and the next I've listed some ideas they might bring up. Don't feel like you must cover all of them! It's more important to get them brainstorming. After the competition, as donuts are served, have students elaborate on some of the points and further elaborate yourself where you sense the need. The point is to move them toward sensing the desperate need for us to develop empathy.)

• Fear of people (Sometimes we're too timid to say "Hi" and get to know another person.) 
• Too busy
• May miss a good time (Doing compassionate stuff sounds like a boring chore.)
• Especially for guys: It seems wimpy - "Compassion is for girls! What guy wants to be known as the "Mother Teresa" of his school!" (Response: empathy isn't wimpy! Think of  Stalone playing Rambo, whose empathy stirred him to rescue the MIA's. Also, think of Luke Skywalker in "Return of the Jedi," feeling empathy for his friends and going to save them.)
• Shallowness (Judging people by outward appearance and thus not wanting to treat them with compassion.)
• Prejudices (Not just against races, but against stereotyped youth subcultures - "He's a stuck-up jock." "She's an airhead cheerleader.")

  If we see a jock and immediately place upon him our personal stereotype of a jock, that stereotype blocks our ability to empathetically look into his heart. Maybe you've been shoved around by some jocks in the hall and so you put all jocks in the same category, as if playing football could totally define a person. Is this really fair? (Get some response.)

  We probably all have stereotypes of people in this room. One's an "A" student. Another one dresses strange. Another's an athlete. 

  One way to develop compassion is to burst through the stereotypes by discovering things we have in common with others.

  Game Time! Let's have a small competition to try to make that happen.

  Supplies: Paper and pencils, prize for winning team (bubble gum or suckers?)

  Purpose: To help students realize all that they have in common with classmates.

  Divide into groups of three or four people. The group should not include their closest  friends. Each team appoints a secretary, who needs a sheet of paper and pencil. Your challenge is to come up with a list of items that any two of you have in common. The team with the longest list wins. Items that virtually every student has in common (wears clothes, eats food, has a navel, etc.) won't count. Items that count include common interests (for example, enjoying the same style of music, likes to swim) common family traits (for example, both have a brother, both used to live in Tennessee), or common activities (for example, both are on a soccer team, go to after school, play the same video game, etc.).

  (Give them only about three minutes, so that they have to work quickly. Giving a one minute warning and thirty second warning will add to the excitement.)

  "The winning team gets a free, all expenses paid group vacation to the Bahamas! Just kidding. Here's your bubble gum. Congratulations!"

  When the time is up, find out which team has the longest list and ask team members to read the similarities they listed.

  Debriefing

  • Why is it important to find what we have in common with others? (We feel closer and stereotype less. We feel more empathy.) 
  • What were some surprises as to what or how much you had in common with someone?
  • What hinders us from getting to know others better?
  • How can we in daily life begin to find things in common with those around us? 

(These are ideas they might have brought up. Again, don't try to cover everything!)

How could compassion have prevented Columbine and other school shootings? (1 - Had students been more compassionate toward the killers and not bullied them through the years, they may have not wanted to shoot anyone. 2 - Had the shooters developed compassion, they would not have sought retaliation.)

• Relationships are fun and empathy makes us more successful at relationships. (Ask them how…)

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." (Dale Carnegie)

Studies done by the Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching and the Carnegie Institute of Technology found that

"even in such technical lines as engineering, about 15 percent of one's financial success is due to one's technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering - to personality and the ability to lead people." (How to Win Friends…p. xiv)

Do you want to make more money? John D. Rockefeller, one of the most successful businessmen of his time, said,

"...I will pay more for (the ability to deal with people) than any other under the sun." (John D. Rockefeller)

On the surface, you'd think that selfish people have all the fun. But studies have found the opposite to be true. Selfish people seek only their own happiness, but end up unhappy; the empathetic seek the happiness of others, but usually end up happy.

"When people develop into compassionate, caring human beings, it not only benefits society but also promotes personal happiness and higher self-esteem as well." (Dr. Janice Cohn, Psychotherapist and author of Raising Compassionate Children, p. 15)

Imagine with me for a moment that you're a caveman who has been frozen for thousands of years and just thawed out in the year 2005. A family in our county adopts you and you find yourself trying to adapt to a life of bewildering complexity. Not understanding electricity, you wake up one morning and want to turn on the light. But you've never seen a light turned on before. You just know where the light is. How do you think you'd try to turn it on? (Get their responses. I'd probably go straight for the bulb and fool with it - but get nowhere. I'd never suspect that you turn on the light from a remote switch.)

So you stand on a chair and start fooling with the light bulb, trying to make it light up. Will I ever get it turned on that way? Of course not! Being a cave man with a small brain under my sloped forehead and no knowledge of electricity, I don't realize that in order to get light, I don't go directly to the light bulb; I go to where? (The light switch.)

In the same way, a lot of modern people who don't have sloped foreheads still don't get it about searching for happiness. They think that you find happiness by going straight for the things that people seem to enjoy doing and selfishly do those things all the time - like getting better toys and more games. But the people with the most toys aren't always the happiest. 

Most people don't find happiness by searching for it. They try to make other people happy and as a result, they're surprised to find happiness themselves. Having empathy for others and helping others is like the switch that turns on their happiness. 

This week, let's try to get our eyes off of ourselves and our own happiness. Instead, let's try to make other people happy. By making others happy and successful, let's see if it makes us happier.

Part Two: How to Show Our Empathy

I'd like for everyone to untie one of your shoes. (If you don't have laces, work with a classmate's shoe.) Now, with your good hand behind your back, using only the hand that you don't write with, tie it back. The winner gets a prize.

Debriefing: How many of you got frustrated? Does this help you empathize with others who have disabilities? Some disabilities are made obvious by a wheelchair or Seeing Eye Dog. Others aren't so obvious, involving mental processing problems such as Dyslexia or ADD. Others have bodies that seem to grow no matter what they eat. Whatever personal hardship you struggle with, in that area you feel like you're tying a shoe with one hand.

Everybody in this room, no matter how successful and independent they seem on the outside, probably silently struggle with a disadvantage or disability or insecurity. How do we help others who struggle with some part of their lives? They're desperately waiting to hear an encouraging word from someone who cares. That brings us to the next point.

2. Give things to others.

Life Story (Perhaps have a good reader read this): 

When a guy became interested in surfing, he lost interest in skateboarding. But rather than put his skateboard away in storage, he was thoughtful enough to pass it on to his little brother Tony, and showed him how to ride it. Who could have imagined the impact of that one act of kindness. That little brother would become one of the most creative and innovative forces in skateboarding, Tony Hawk.

Don't just be nice to cool people. Think about those who even sometimes get on your nerves, like a little brother or sister, or that kid in our neighborhood who's always wanting to play basketball, or that classmate everyone rejects as a nerd. One may become the next Tony Hawk or Michael Jordan or Thomas Edison. Everyone is of great worth. This week, let's treat them that way.

Talk to the unpopular. Be kind to strangers. Resist stereotyping. Encourage those who need a good word. Invite some people who eat alone to eat with you. Simple acts of kindness done with a big heart can change your world.

Benjamin Franklin is considered one of the greatest people who ever lived. Here's one think he did to make acts of kindness a way of life. Every morning, after he woke up, he'd ask himself, "What good can I do today?" Each evening before going to bed he'd ask himself, "What good did I do today?" I challenge you to do that for a month, and see if it changes your life. 

An Act of Kindness You Can Do Now: The Complement Tree

Tip: This activity works best if students have had a chance to get to know each other. Save this till later if students don't know each other very well yet. Make sure to put your tree in there as well!) 

Pass out a copy of an outlined tree (see image below) to each student. Ask each to write his/her name on their tree. Tell them it's a "Complement Tree" and give examples of complements, such as "Dan keeps us positive," "I like Ann's smile," "Steve's a deep thinker," "Rachel's her own person," "Pete's so steady; he never seems to get upset." "Beth's so friendly." Students pass their trees on to another student, who writes a complement about the tree's owner. After 15 seconds, pass it to the next student, and the next. After each tree reaches its owner, allow them a few minutes to read the comments. 

Avoiding problems: 1 - Tell them firmly to write nothing rude/unkind/inappropriate. 2 - Many students won't know other students' names. Tell them it's okay to whisper softly to a neighbor to figure out who the tree belongs to. Or, write the names of students arranged according to their row and seat on the blackboard. (Be sensitive [empathetic!] toward those of us with memory/name disabilities!) 3 - The better students know each other, the more ideas they will have to share.

Debriefing: How do complements make you feel? How can they change people's lives?

Closing Comment: People all around us are dying to be noticed, to be appreciated. Change someone's life today with a simple complement or an invitation to have lunch together. Simple acts of kindness can change the world.

Complement Tree