Working Things Out
Finding Peace in a World of Conflict

Purpose: By the end of this lesson, I want my students to be motivated to work through conflict and to know some practical ways to resolve conflicts. 

Resources: Overhead and Student Handout.

Hint: Think of times when resolving conflicts has helped you personally, or people you know. Think about people you know who've refused to work through conflict and suffered as a result. Often sharing from your personal experience is more compelling to students than "canned" illustrations.   

Introduction

The Need for Good Relationships

Much of our present and future happiness will depend on the quality of our relationships. As our first female astronaut, Sally Ride, said, 

What makes achievement possible in business? Being willing to learn new things, being able to assimilate new information quickly, and being able to get along and work with other people. (Sally Ride, First Female Astronaut)

Do you agree with her statement? 

Problems With Relationships

Although we agree that our relationships are important, most people aren't highly skilled in this area. Most seem to struggle with resolving conflicts. The following bumper stickers reveal our problems in conflict resolution: 

Relational Skills Can Be Learned

But some of you might say, "I know I'm not great at relationships, but they just aren't my thing and I can't change." If that's your feeling, I encourage you to take a second look at how improving your relationships can improve your quality of life. 

Illustration:  Abraham Lincoln remains one of the most respected of all the United States' presidents. Yet, in his early years he considered himself a miserable failure in relationships. He asked Mary Owens to marry him in 1837, but added, "My opinion is that you had better not do it."  He was turned down and decided to never again think of marriage.  Why?  In his own words, "I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me."  Do you ever feel that way? Yet, Lincoln grew and changed, mastering the art of relationships, enabling him to become one of the truly great men of all time.     

Today we'll explore Conflict Resolution. It's not easy. It usually doesn't come naturally. But without learning how to resolve conflicts, we'll never be able to hold onto deep, satisfying relationships. Some experts say that they can tell if a marriage will last by listening to how the couple resolves their conflicts. Every relationship will face disagreements. Those who can work through them can succeed. 

Wise Advice on Conflict Resolution

Discussion: Let's get some advice from one another. Imagine that a friend comes to you and says, "I've got to figure out how to work through my conflicts. Whenever I talk to my parents for over five minutes, it erupts into World War II. I thought my parents were the problem. But now that I have a girlfriend, I realize that we don't do any better at resolving our conflicts. I need some advice."

Would would you say? On one side of the board, we'll list "Do's" and on the other side "Don'ts." (Let them share as many as they can. Below I've listed pointers on conflict resolution that you can add.) As we write these down, put a star by the ones you need to work on the most this week. 

Don'ts 

1.  Seldom say "never" or "always".  

If my wife tells me, “You never  work around the house!” what do I think of? (The one time a year ago that I did something around the house!) Don’t you get mad when your parents say you are “always” ungrateful, or you “never” clean up your room?  If  you don’t like others saying it to you, avoid it in your own conversation. If you say to your parents "You always make me do chores," what will they think? (Of  the times they didn't make you do chores.) 

Better wording - "It seems to me that I've got too many chores. Between that and school, I don't have enough free time." 

2 - Don't think you've got to "win" the argument. 

Remember the goal: understanding, not winning. It's okay to sometimes end with, "We may still disagree on this issue, but I must say that now I understand your side better." Sometimes you win more by losing. 

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? (Abraham Lincoln) 

When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. (Jimi Hendrix (1942-1970), American Musician, Guitarist, Singer, Songwriter)

3 - Don't attack people; attack problems instead. 

Discussion: In the below sets of statements, decide which you think is best and explain why.

I feel like...

Attack: "You have no respect for me!  I can see it every time you talk to others about me."  
Better: "When you talk about me to other people, I get the feeling that you don't respect me."

Since I don't know with certainty another person's motives, it's better to confront with "I feel like." 

The issue, not the person...

Attack: "You're mean!"   
Better:  "When you speak to me with that tone of voice, it comes across mean to me."  

Avoid Labeling...

Attack: "You must be idiots to believe a lie like that."  
Better: "I believe there's another side to that issue that no one has discussed."  

Illustration:  Winston Churchill could greatly inspire people with his speeches, but he apparently could hurt people as well.  It is said that one day a lady scorned him, saying, “Sir, you are drunk.”  He replied, “Yes, lady, and you are ugly, but tomorrow I will be sober.”  

If you thought up a clever comeback like that, would you use it, or have the restraint to keep it to yourself?    

4 - Don't try to get even. 

Remember, the goal is to resolve the conflict and remain friends, not to get even. If you try to get even by blasting the other person, the other person will probably blast back, then you still won't be even. As one child said,

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

5 - Don't bring in other issues. 

Stick with the problem at hand. Some people, when they can't win one argument, bring up other issues to make the person look bad. Eventually, you can't talk about any conflict without bringing up a list of other issues.    

6 - Don't lose your temper. 

If it happens, call "time out" and cool off.  

''He who angers you conquers you.'' (Elizabeth Kenny)

"When angry count to ten; when very angry count to one hundred.'' (Thomas Jefferson)

"Anger is only one letter short of danger."

7 - Don't yell or shout.

“If a wise man goes to court with a fool, the fool rages and scoffs, and there is no peace.”  (Solomon)  

8 - Don't say things you'll later regret.

9 - Avoid Situations Where Conflict May Easily Erupt.

A great truths learned by kids:

"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."

Game Break! The Untangle Game

Divide into groups of 8 or 10 (must be an even number). Standing facing one another in a circle.  Instruct each student to grab the right hand of a student across from (not next to) him or her. Next, join left hands with a different person.  Then, try to untangle without anyone letting go. 

Debriefing: How are tense, antagonistic relationships sort of like knots that need to be untangled? What factors make it difficult to untangle these relationships? Why is it worth the effort? Conflict Resolution is a lot like untangling. 

Do's

1 - Choose a good time and place.

Not in front of people you want to impress. Not when you're really tired or rushed. 

2 - Determine to patiently listen more than talk. 

If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility. (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence." (Robert Frost)

3 - Show you're listening by repeating back their words and their feelings in your own words. 

"So you're saying that when I talk to my other friends all day and forget to call you, you feel like I don't care."

4 - Be humble enough to say you're sorry, flexible enough to say you were wrong. 

5 - Come back to it later. 

Some conflicts can't be solved all at once. Often solutions come after a good night's sleep. 

6 - Search for an element of truth you can both agree on.  

"Okay, so we really disagree on our political beliefs. But at least we both agree that political beliefs are important!"  

7 - Reflect together on what you learned from the discussion. 

This helps you come away feeling like progress was made. "Wow! Without this conversation, I'd have never known how strongly you felt about honesty!"

Review Game: Argument Follies

Recruit four very outgoing individuals who think they can argue well. Instruct the rest of the students to be the referees. When students hear a poor approach to conflict resolution, they call a foul by making a buzzer sound and explaining what they did wrong. When students hear a good approach to conflict resolution, they make a bell sound and explain what they did right. 

Conflict #1: Designate two volunteers as parents and two as children. The children argue that as 11th graders, they should be able to stay out past 10:00 on a school night. Try to use both good and bad approaches to conflict resolution. (Give them about three minutes to jot down their arguments. They can look at the principles on the board. While they're writing, ask the remaining students to tell you something good that's happened lately in their lives.)

Conflict #2: Designate a guy and girl as a dating couple. The girl wants to go out and see a movie. The guy wants to hang out with friends. Try to use both good and bad approaches to conflict resolution. (Give them about three minutes to prepare.)

Conclusion

I challenge you to star a few of these ideas and work on them. The time you spend learning to resolve conflict will pay off incredibly in the success of your friendships, career and marriage. 

Copyright March 30, 2004, Legacy Educational Resources, All Rights Reserved.