PURPOSE:  By the end of this session, I want my students to be motivated to become "other centered" in their relationships. 

Other Resources: Overhead and Student Handout.

Introduction

Large Group Discussion: Not considering your spiritual life, what do you think will be your two most important decisions in life?  [The ideas given will almost certainly include 1) The choice of husband or wife and 2) The choice of a job.]  "In order to be successful and happy in marriage and work, what skills will be most important?”

In marriage, of course, relational skills will be primary.  But many fail to realize that the ability to master a trade is not the only skill people need to be successful in their work.  According to one book, 

"Of 5 people who lose their jobs, 2 will have failed because of the lack of skills. Three will have failed because of the inability to work with people." 

In the light of this, doesn't it strike you strange that almost all of our training in school is for the mastery of academics and vocational skills, with little or nothing on the mastery of relationships?  Yet it is these relational skills that will, to a large part, determine your success and happiness in the areas of life that matter most.

1 - "The Big Key" to Winning Friends and Influencing People

ILLUSTRATION:  Dale Carnegie wrote a tremendous book on relationships entitled, How to Win Friends and Influence People.  He did massive research into the relational traits of successful people. Of all the principles he discovered, he called one "The Big Key." Are you ready for it? Here's how he stated it: 

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

Now before you respond with a resounding "duh," let's reflect on how opposite this is from the way most people approach relationships. How do most people seem to try to make friends, especially with the opposite sex? (They try to impress others with how great they are.) How does this differ from Carnegie's insight? (Carnegie's principle focuses on the other person. Impressing focuses on me.)

Haven’t you seen this principle lived out daily?  Those who are most absorbed in themselves, desperately seeking to impress others with how great they are, end up turning people off.

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION: Let's reflect on this profound truth for a moment.  In order to treat others the way we want to be treated, we've got to first reflect on precisely how we want to be treated. Divide into small groups with a leader who can take notes with pen and paper.  Have your leader make two lists:

List #1) What do you look for in a friend?  (How do you want others to treat you?)

List #2) What attitudes and actions turn you off in people who try to relate to you. This will  again help you see how to positively treat others.

(After sufficient time have the recorder of each group read their lists. Have a student write the answers on the board.)  This (pointing to the board) is how you want others to treat you and not to treat you.  So, do you want more and better friendships?  Then treat others like this. 

2 - Warning: We're Often Blind to Our Own Shortcomings

I want to warn you of something. Most of us will look at this stuff and think, "Yeah, yeah, I know all that stuff and do it...." Yet, some of us who desperately need this refuse to see how we're blowing it. We easily see problems with others, but we have a terribly hard time dealing with our own problems.

Illustration:  Al Capone was one of the most dangerous men in Chicago .  He led a notorious gang that took money illegally, and also took many people's lives. Yet, he did not see himself in this light.  Capone once said, "I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man." Poor, poor Al.  He was a notorious criminal! But can't you see how our minds work so cleverly to justify the way we are and to blind us to our faults. Can't we see that we justify our own shortcomings the very same way? 

3 - Action Points

Let's try to be ruthlessly honest with ourselves. Let's look at what we've written down and reflect on our relationships.  Where are you failing? Could you pick a couple of these items to work on this week? Jot them down on your handout as something to try to put into practice this week. 

While you're thinking and writing, I'll give you a couple of other insights from successful people who understood the power of this principle. 

Owen D. Young, a noted lawyer and business leader, put it this way, 

"People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them."

I think Owen D. Young would ask us, "Do you spend time reflecting on the interests and needs of your family, your schoolmates?  If not, you should be concerned about your future."

As you think of specifics you can write down, think first about your family. Do you take an interest in them and their needs, or are you just consumed with your own needs? Do you treat them as you want them to treat you?  Do you regularly ask about their interests and concerns?  When is the last time when you asked your parents or siblings how their day went?  If you did, would they pass out from shock? (Give them a moment to write.)

Second, how are you treating your friends?  Do you talk to them about things they are interested in? (Give them a moment for reflection.)

Third, think about your teachers or employers. Do you even know what their interests are? How often do you ask how they are doing? (Give them a moment to write.)

Conclusion

Illustration: Let's end with the example of an extremely successful man who lived out this principle. Theodore Roosevelt, the very popular 26th president of the United States could have spent his time impressing people with his great knowledge and experiences. After all, he'd led his "Rough Riders" to capture San Juan Heights, the key battle to secure the end of the Spanish-American War. He would eventually write over 35 books and become the only President to receive both both the Medal of Honor, the nation's highest honor for actions in war as well as the Nobel Prize for Peace. 

But instead of bragging to visitors about all of his accomplishments, he was more interested in their lives. Whenever he was expecting a guest the next day, he would read up the night before on a topic in which the guest would be particularly interested.  In this way, he could talk about what interested the other person.  

Roosevelt's personal servant, James E. Amos, wrote a book about him entitled, "Theodore Roosevelt, Hero to His Valet."  In the book, Mr. Amos tells of his wife asking the President about a certain bird, a Bobwhite, that she had never seen. Later, the wife received a call from the President himself.  He said that a Bobwhite was outside her window and she could look out and see it.  It's little actions like this that show we care, that we are concerned with the interests of others, not absorbed with our own interests. 

Roosevelt lived out what Carnegie taught. Let's read the principle out loud as a class to make sure we've got it:

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."