"CHOOSE YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS CAREFULLY"
Pursuing Virtue by Choosing Good Friends

Purpose: By the end of this lesson, I want my students to determine to choose positive friends.

Resources: Overhead and Student Handout

Preparation: Hide a few candy bars or dollar bills around the room, taped to the bottom of chairs, etc. (See "activity" under the second main point)

Hint: Think through family members, friends and acquaintances who have made either good choices or bad choices concerning friends. Think through how your own friendships have influenced you for good or for ill. Could some of those personal illustrations reinforce this lesson?

Write on blackboard: Virtue/Self-Control = "Control of your actions and emotions; the habit of excellence of one's character that defines one's moral personality".

(This lesson deals with one of the greatest determinants of our personal virtue: choosing virtuous friends.)

Illustration: Actress Kate Jackson has played many parts, including sharing the lead role on a popular TV show.  You would think that her success would bring her great happiness.  But one day she began to reevaluate success.  Her conclusion? 

"It's not how much money I have....  Money doesn't make you happy-- I know that.  ... The bottom line is how well you handle the relationships with people you know - your mother, father, sister, brother, husband, wife, kids - not how you handle the relationships with the millions of people who know you."

Discussion: What do you think she means by this? Do you agree? People who sacrifice relationships to the god of success will probably achieve misery.  Healthy relationships are extremely important.  But people's relationships are hurting. 

A survey of 34,000 people, age 7 to 16, asked the question, "What do you least look forward to at school in the coming year?"  The number 1 response?  "Loneliness."

Yet, most students hope that one day they will have a successful marriage that will last a lifetime.

In a survey of over 3000 young people, 90% of the girls and 85% of the boys believe that when they marry, it will be for life.  Yet, the sad reality is that about half of these marriages will end in divorce.  And even those who stay together aren't immune to relational problems. 

One writer claims that less than six out of one hundred couples married over ten years have a fulfilling marriage. In other words, if we handle relationships the way most people handle them, we'll probably have a pretty disappointing life. But don't let that discourage you! Psychologists have studied relationships for years. By learning the principles of successful relationships, we can have a more satisfying life. (See other lessons on "Forgiveness," etc.) One of those principles is this:

Good relationships begin with choosing the right friends.

 I.  The Importance of Choosing the Right Close Friends

Discussion: Some students will object: “Hey, it’s hard enough to find anyone I can hang out with. Now you’re telling me I should be choosy? If I did that, I might not have anybody to hang out with at all."

How would you answer this objection? Why is it important to choose our close friends carefully? Can you share stories of what's happened to people you know who've chosen the wrong or right friends? (Don't share names. Have someone record their thoughts on the board. Add the following if they fail to think of them, or use the stories to illustrate the points as they mention them.)

A.  Do you want to become successful?

Ill ustration: Bill Gates is the richest man in America .  A billionaire in his thirties, he made it by developing computer software that you find on almost every computer. His company?  (Ask youth.)  Microsoft, as in Microsoft Windows, Microsoft Word, etc. How did he make it to the top of the computer industry?

One key to his success involved his friends. Since he was into computers, he hung around students in middle school and high school who were into computers. Personal computers weren't even invented yet, so his school offered no classes on programming in middle school. So he and his friends took it upon themselves to teach themselves.  By the eighth grade, he and his friends were writing programs and gained access to a sophisticated computer system to get free computer time.  Had he hung out with the party crowd, he would have never made it.

Debriefing: What can we learn about choosing the right friends from Gates? (Find out where you want to go in life and hang out with others who are going that direction.) Do your closest friends challenge you to grow in areas you want to pursue? If not, you might want to start looking for some new friends. Perhaps you could join a club at school that brings together other students with your interests.  

B. Do you want to stay out of trouble?

Basketball star Kareem Abdul Jabaar once said,

"Don't let those who are going nowhere influence your opinions."

Discussion: Many people would say, "My friends have bad morals, but I don't let them influence me. Just because they're into bad stuff doesn't mean I have to do it." How would you respond to this? (They do influence us, whether we realize it or not. Some studies have shown that as American students begin high school, their peers become a greater influence than their parents.  Peer influence is one of, (if not the) most powerful influences on your life!)   

Do your close friends have any direction in their lives?  Do you like where they are going?

Illustration: Your friends influence more than just you.  An adult shared this sobering story: 

“When I was young, I hung-out with a very wild guy. Later, this friend began to date my sister.  I warned my sister not to date him. ‘I know him,’ I objected.  ‘I know what kind of guy he is.’ My sister replied, ‘If he's so bad, then why are you such good friends?’ Well, she married my friend and always had a rocky relationship.  He died an early death with his blood alcohol level extremely high. Now I have to live with the part I had in my sister’s poor choice.” 

Do you know stories like this? Do you think this story is rare? Do you think our choice of friends influences our younger brothers and sisters? We're not the only ones who pay the price for choosing the wrong friends.

C. Do You Want a Successful Marriage?

The success of your marriage will be more determined by your character and the character of your mate than the kind of shampoo you use or the kind of car you drive. In premarital counseling, counselors try to make sure that couples are going the same direction with their finances, their religious beliefs, their ability to talk through disagreements and to forgive. The counselors know that it's these qualities that will either make or break the marriage over the long haul.

CAUTION!  Does this mean that we turn up our noses at people who live a destructive lifestyle? (No. We should be friendly with everyone. We're just talking about our close friends, those we hang out with and share our ups and downs with.)

II. A Radical Approach to Making Friends

Activity: Treasure Hunt

Brainstorm: How do we end up with the wrong friends?  (Probably we don’t decide one day, “I think I’ll make a move down the social ladder.  Hey, here’s a group of people headed for trouble. I think I'll buddy up with them! Rather, we just happen to get to know each other through a sport or club or our neighborhood and a friendship spontaneously develops.)

What's the danger of relying on spontaneously formed relationships? ( If the group gets into drinking, drugs, or other negative practices, it's easy for me to follow as well.)

Discussion: Is there another option, besides the spontaneous method, for starting relationships?

We can't help being influenced by the people we're around, but we can choose which people will influence us.  Most people just drift into relationships with no purpose or direction.  If they go off to college, they may join a club and discover that someone has common interests such as computers, soccer, or music.  Or, they run across a person who has a compatible personality.  From this, a friendship grows. 

But the problem with this approach to friendships is that you initially know nothing of the person's general direction in life, such as their moral standards or vocational direction. If you want to have a positive impact on the world, involve yourself in service organizations or your choice of a place to worship. Look for people who are going the same direction as you're headed. Get to know them and then find areas of interest and personality traits you have in common.  In this way, you begin to choose friends rather than drift into relationships haphazardly.  Decide who you want to be and where you want to go in life.  Then find others with those characteristics. When you find them, you'll be amazed at how powerful they can become as motivators toward your goals.

Who are your friends? Are they the kind of people that you want to be?  Do their lives challenge you to stay on course morally and to follow your dreams? If not, what will be your strategy for finding the right kind of friends?