Setting (and Keeping!) Your Standards
Dating, Waiting, and Choosing a Mate, Part 5

(For overhead outline of this lesson, click HERE.)

Purpose: To help students understand the need to set sexual standards and to know how to keep them.


Introduction

Discussion/Review: Last week we talked about reasons to save sex for marriage. But it's one thing to know the reasons for waiting to have sex. It's quite another thing to live it out. I need some guys to volunteer for an impromptu skit that may remind you of some of the pressures you are up against. (Hand out parts to each participant. Tell the rest of the class that they play the part of the rest of the football team and should watch for cue cards. Let's practice: 1) "Whooooo!" 2) "Laugh."

SKIT

SETTING: HIGH SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM, DRESSING OUT FOR FOOTBALL PRACTICE.

TOMMY (ONE OF THREE FRIENDS WHO HAVE COME TO GET THE LOWDOWN ON CAM'S WEEKEND): "CAM, SO HOW DID IT GO WITH BEV FRIDAY NIGHT? DID YOU SCORE?"

CAM: "EXCUSE ME? DID YOU CALL ME CAM? I'M CASANOVA. I ALWAYS SCORE. YEAH, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A WEEKEND WITH A HOT CHICK."
(TO MATT, WHO HAS JUST ARRIVED AT HIS NEARBY LOCKER) "HEY MATT, WHEN WILL YOU EVER GROW UP?" (REST OF TEAM LAUGHS) "IF I'M CASSANOVA CAM, YOU MUST BE MONK MATT! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE THE PLUNGE AND JOIN THE RANKS OF THE REAL MEN?"

MATT (SHEEPISHLY): "OH, I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE WHEN I FIND THE RIGHT GIRL."

CAM: "HEY, A GIRL I WAS WITH A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO TOLD ME SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE KIND OF CUTE. ("WHOOOOOO!" FROM THE REST OF THE TEAM) "WHAT SAY I SET YOU TWO UP?"

SKIT ENDS WITH JEFF STANDING THERE, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY.

Applaud appropriately for the actors.

Ask the class, "Was this drama realistic? Do you think teens face this kind of pressure to have sex?" (Let them share.) Today we will deal very practically with how to set and keep your standards, even when the pressure is on. If you've already had sex, I hope you'll realize that you can start over now deciding your own standards, rather than feeling you have to accommodate to everybody else's standards.

To hold your ground against pressure like Jeff faced in the skit, you've got to have some standards that you have thought through. Also, you need to know how to respond to those who pressure us. See if you think the following points will help.

I. Remember the Consequences

Apparently, most people live in a dream world where they imagine they can, like most TV and movie characters, have sex sex with several partners over time and face no consequences. But last week we looked at many serious consequences.
Reflecting on last week's lesson, imagine that you are trying to convince me to say no to premarital sex. How many reasons can you give me? (Let individuals raise their hands to give input. Teacher could play "devil's advocate," with replies like, "I'll solve all those problems by using protection." "If so many people are getting STD's, then why don't I hear more about it? I don't see an epidemic of STD's around my friends." After they've run out of reasons, mention any from last week's outline that they might have forgotten.)

Most people are deceived into thinking they can handle fire without getting burned.
One way to overcome this deception is by reflecting regularly on the reality of the consequences of premarital sex. When you guys are tempted by a great looking girl who has a bad reputation, don't think beauty, think venereal disease. Think ruining your future sex life. A good dose of truth can slap us back into reality.

When you girls are tempted to date popular guys with low standards, don't think love and romance and popularity. Think heartache, disappointment and regrets.

Illustration: Bob Stone, with twenty five years of counseling experience, has yet to meet one person who wished he or she had gone further sexually while dating.

With the consequences vividly on your mind, you can begin to see premarital sex for what it is: a cheap, but costly imitation of the real thing. It's easier to avoid something when you see the consequences. Then you not only know it is wrong. You abhor, or hate the imitation while you look forward to the real thing.

Transition: Do you want to resist second-rate sex? If so, remember the consequences. But there's something else you need to remember...

II. Remember, You're Not Alone

If your small cluster of friends claim to be into sex, you tend to think that everybody is. The feeling that you're the only one not doing it, the feeling that you're the only one missing out, can push you into taking the plunge.

The best way to counter this feeling that "everybody's doing it" is to look at the facts. We know from large-scale surveys of thousands of teens, just how many are having sex. You might be surprised. Here are the facts:


So don't let movies, a few close friends and a pushy boyfriend or girlfriend fool you into thinking that "everybody's doing it."

For example, If you are a 15-year-old girl, and someone is giving you the line, "everyone is doing it," don't believe it. Over 70% of 15-year-old girls have never had sex! And of the 30% who have, many of these had it forced on them.If you don't count the ones that had it forced on them, you're up to about 80% who have never had voluntary sex. That's more than 8 girls in every 10! (2)

And of the 20% who have had sex, how many had it only once, and then decided it wasn't a good idea and that they should now save sex for marriage? Clearly few 15-year-old girls are into a lifestyle of sex. Yet, it's easy to get deceived into believing that if you've never had sex, or even if you're not having it every weekend, you're somehow weird, in the minority, and are missing out on life.

Illustration: A popular 80's movie that well-illustrated the impact of peer pressure and sex was "Little Darlings," starring Kristy McNichol, Tatum O'Neal, and Matt Dillon. In the movie, two girls named Ferris and Angel meet at summer camp. One night all the girls get into this sex discussion. All are acting very experienced, like they've all had sex before. Ferris and Angel admit they are virgins and feeling very left out, decide to have a contest to see who can lose her virginity first. Finally, one has rather miserable sex with a guy, winning the contest, but finding the other girls asking, "What was it like?" revealing that they were all talk. The pressure she'd felt to fit in was from girls who'd actually never experienced sex before.

Transition: So, if you want to hang onto your standards, first, remember the consequences. Second, remember you're not alone. But there is something else you would do well to face. Face people's motives.

III. Face the Motives

In a good relationship, we try to assume that everything our friend does is from good motives. Yet, in any romantic relationship, we need to be especially cautious and wise, because once people's hormones get into the picture, it's hard to understand even our own motives, much less the motives of others.

To resist sex, it helps to understand the motives that guide people's actions.

Illustration: Dave and Sherri have a good relationship, but Dave wants more. Dave says, "Don't you think it's about time that we really show our love for one another? I've never met anyone like you. I know you feel the same way about me." She doesn't really want to get into sex, but often gives in. Why?

Why? (Let them answer.) Because she thinks Dave loves her and doesn't want to risk losing him. And in the heat of the moment, to give Dave credit, he may truly think he loves her.

But let's look at some facts that should make Sally think twice before giving in.

Activity: GUESS THE SURVEY!

In a survey, guys were asked to give their reasons for having sex. Among the reasons they might have given were: (It would be best to have this on your overhead.) Love for the person, thinking "everybody else is doing it," sexual gratification, curiosity, or peer pressure. Write down what you think are the top four, in the order that the guys gave them. (Leader, ask several to volunteer the order they gave. An activity like this can peak their attention to retain the results of the actual survey.)

Illustration: Although many people talk about love in order to get sex, love often has nothing to do with it. This is how the Planned Parenthood pole came out. The reasons, in order of frequency given, were (reveal them one at a time.)

#1 - Peer pressure.
#2 - Curiosity.
#3 - Thinking "everybody else is doing it."
#4 - Sexual gratification.

My point? If you're feeling pressured to have sex in your dating relationship, do you really want
to do it just to satisfy someone's curiosity or to get over the stigma of being a virgin?

Only one in twenty guys gave their motive as love. I'll say it again...only one in twenty guys gave their motive as love for the girl.

Yet, girls overwhelmingly responded that their motive was out of love for the guy. Girls need to reflect hard on this. A lot of guys talk about love in order to get sex. And a lot of girls give sex to try to get love. The guys get their immediate gratification. The girls often get a broken heart. The guys often deal with a lot of guilt afterwards, realizing that in the heat of the moment, they said things that they didn't really mean.

Remember, the average person falls in love three to five times before she ever gets married. If your boyfriend insists on sex because "our love is the real thing," ask him if he is sure enough to propose marriage and commit himself to you for life. Ask him is he is ready to start taking care of babies. That ought to sober him up. (By the way, if your boyfriend or girlfriend is pressuring you to have sex, break up with him or her. In all probability, you are neither the first nor the last of his sexual exploits.)



Conclusion

By way of conclusion, do you want to resist sex? (Perhaps have youth say these together with you in unison as you review them.) First, remember the consequences. Second, remember you're not alone. Third, face the motives. These principles can help you develop the mindset you need to resist temptation. Next week we will move beyond what to think, and deal with what to say and do, to save sex for marriage.

End Notes

(1) Trends in Sexual Risk Behaviors Among High School Students --- United States, 1991--2001, Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, Centers for Disease Control, on page http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm5138a2.htm .
(2) Derived from combining stats from the CDC with those from the respected Alan Guttenmacher Institute.