Dating, Waiting and Choosing a Mate

(For overhead outline of this lesson, click HERE.)

Series Overview

    In this series, students will critically evaluate the American dating system, consider singleness as a viable option, assess reasons for postponing sexual involvement (including pregnancy, emotional impact, sexually transmitted diseases, etc.), learn how to set personal standards, and discover character qualities that make for a successful relationship.  

Lesson Overview

    Many American students grow up assuming that they must date or die. Movies glorify dating. Many parents push their children to get dates for proms and special occasions. While some seem to thrive in the dating system, others feel horribly left out. Some are left scarred from the physical and emotional trauma of immature intimacy.  By objectively evaluating the American dating system against other cultural approaches to mate selection, perhaps students can relax and enjoy this stage of life rather than feeling pressed into a sometimes dangerous cultural mold.

Teaching Hints

• Be personal. Add your own relevant experiences to these lessons. Students weigh personal experience very highly, and will appreciate your input. 

• Be discreet. Avoid sharing any personal experiences, particularly of a sexual nature, that you wouldn't mind all the parents, your fellow teachers and administrators knowing. (They probably will!)

• Be conversational. Find ways to get students involved. Unless we get them talking and writing, we have no idea what factors are causing them to consistently make foolish choices in these areas. Always complement them for their participation and candor, even if their ideas seem off the wall. Much better to keep them involved, know where they're coming from, and therefore know what ideas you may be up against. 

• Be informative without being "preachy." When some teacher's feel they are losing an argument, they simply yell louder. Rather, if a student makes a strong point that you can't counter, say, "That's a great point! Let's think about that, research it out a little better, and come back to it next class session." If you're willing to humbly back down in the face of a strong argument or strong counter evidence, they'll be more likely to change their opinions in the light of evidence as well. Remember, as teens, they don't want to be told what to believe; they want to draw their own conclusions. 

• Consider conducting some discussions with guys in one class and girls in another. Not inhibited by trying to impress the opposite sex, students often feel more free to open up.   

• Don't rush. Some seem to define teaching as "Transferring notes from teacher to student, without going through the mind of either."  To avoid this, allow students time to discuss and think about the material.  One lesson might be covered in 2 sessions, especially if discussions go well.  

Session I
Getting to Know You...
Is Dating the Only Way?

PURPOSE:  To expose students to multiple ways (besides merely dating) of getting to know the opposite sex and seeking a mate.              

             After applauding appropriately for the actors and actresses, introduce the lesson:  

            "The guy in the skit had the same problems that many of us face in choosing a mate:  a limited field to choose from, inadequate knowledge of each girl, and a system of choosing that sometimes frustrates us.

            Yet deciding on a mate is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. We all long for a marriage that brings companionship, shared dreams, and a loving family.  But too often the marriage will bring heartache, disappointment, and a home that resembles a war zone.  Did you know that the single greatest cause of women's injury in the U.S. is beating by her husband?

            Has it ever startled you how little preparation our education gives us for a successful marriage?  We spend vast amounts of time learning math and language skills, but almost no time learning marriage skills.  Yet, much of your future happiness will depend on your ability to successfully choose and relate to your mate.

            The "romantic fantasy" still dominates most of our minds:  One day you will meet Mr. or Miss perfect, will both fall desperately in love with each other, and live happily ever after in a state of marital bliss.  But the facts paint a bleaker picture. In America, about 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce, turning people's romantic fantasy into a nightmare.  And how many of the 50% who remain married have a decent relationship?  The odds seem stacked against us.  How can we choose a lifelong mate in a world where so many relationships fail?  This series of lessons will help you to think through how to make these incredibly important decisions." 

I. The Dating Game and How People Play It

    A.  Love, American Style

        1.  The System

    Imagine that I'm an exchange student from a traditional area of India.  The American dating scene is all new to me.  Can you clue me in?  In general, how do young people in America find a mate? (Teacher:  Consolidate their ideas on an overhead or blackboard. Add from the material below what the students don’t mention.)  

    In this system, youth begin at a young age to get with members of the opposite sex and become romantically involved.  Some parents, however, may forbid their children to date prior to a certain age. Before youth can drive, parents may drive their children to a school-sponsored dance.  After the age set by their parents, they either single date  or double date.  If a couple hits it off well, they may decide to "go steady", committing themselves to date only each other, until either the relationship breaks up, or they decide to marry.

    Usually, a person will date several people before they propose marriage to one.  Some seldom date, due to being shy, never getting asked, being obsessed with other goals, or never meeting a person they really want to date. (Ask, “Am I on target?  Have I missed anything significant about the system?)

        2.  An Evaluation

    It's hard for us to look objectively at the way our culture does things. It's kind of like asking a fish how he likes water. Since most of us grew up in the American dating system, it simply seems right. But let's divide into small groups and try hard to evaluate the pros and cons of America's dating system. Then, report back your thoughts to the group.  (If they don't come up with some of these, mention some of the following, plus your own thoughts.)

Pros:  

a.  A select group of youth get to know members of the opposite sex better.

b.  Some learn skills such as how to treat a member of the opposite sex. 

c.  They may also learn some characteristics they  want and do not want in a future mate.

Cons: 

a.  Many youth want to date but either never or seldom participate because they are shy, are never asked out, or no one will go out when they ask.  They feel let down and left out. 

b.  Some youth require counseling because their earlier negative dating experiences hurt their ability to relate to a new date. (For example, "No guys can be trusted.")

c.  Dating at such an early age (years before they are ready to actually marry) can distract youth from important tasks, such as school, important hobbies, etc. 

 d. Relationships with friends can suffer when "Sharon is mad at Sue because Sue is dating her former boyfriend.  Jane is jealous because Benjamin sat with her friend Laura on the bus.  Jane had to sit alone because Laura was her best friend but is now consumed with spending time with Benjamin.”

e.  Spending lots of time one on one with people of the opposite sex can easily lead to going too far physically and having regrets such as pregnancy, embarrassment, fractured relationships, etc.  Even otherwise slow students seem to instinctively recognize that the back seat of a car can serve more purposes than carrying extra passengers.

f.  Pairing off alone doesn't allow girls and guys to get to know each other in groups, where they can often better learn how a person relates to different types of people, thus exposing his or her true character.

g.  Date rape is common on many campuses.  One on one dates expose you to this danger.

    B.  Let Your Parents Decide

        1.  The System

    In some countries, parents find and contract for marriage partners for their children.  Sometimes the son or daughter can express their opinion, but sometimes there is no time for courtship.  The romantic relationship, if it develops at all, must develop after the marriage. 

        2.  An Evaluation

 (Again, let the students evaluate the pros and cons before you add your own thoughts.)

Pros:  

a.  Love can be seen as something we choose and grow in, not something we fall into and out of. Thus, the relationship is not so dependent upon a feeling. 

b.  Some parents may have a more mature insight on a suitable partner than their children have.

c.  It takes the pressure off the children to make such a huge decision.

Cons:  

a.  A parent could make a poor choice because of social pressure or lack of insight.

b. A child could resent not being able to marry his or her choice. (But to be fair, many in America don't get to marry their first choice, since the other person might say "No.")

D.  Groups First, Dates Later  

        1.  The System        

            This is closer to the pattern I've seen in some European countries. Youth get to know members of the opposite sex through group gatherings in the school or community. When  youth reach a marriageable age, for example, college age, they may begin to spend personal time with people they are serious about. 

        2.  An Evaluation

Pros: 

a.  All youth get an opportunity to mingle with members of the opposite sex.

b.  Shy and unpopular youth don't feel left out of the dating game. 

c.  Youth groups don't suffer from the exclusive dating divisions.  

ILLUSTRATION: While teaching at a youth camp in the mountains of Slovakia, the youth leader from America could hardly believe what he saw.  During free time and game times, Slovak youth stayed in groups, playing or watching volleyball and playing other games as a group.  Guys were not trying to spend time with individual girls.  Since the American dating game was not a part of this group's culture, students had none of the distractions of making and breaking romantic relationships.  Girls were not jealous of other girls getting special attention, since no girl was getting special attention from the guys.  Everybody seemed free to enjoy the camp and get to know each other without the pressures and hard feelings associated with dating.   

d.  Youth don't face the early temptations of single dating. 

e.  The group setting helps you get to know a person's character and personality.  You can see them relate to many other people besides yourself.  You can observe their choice of friends.

Cons:  

    I can’t see any big problems with this system. I recommend it.  And by all means lay off pressuring your non-dating friends to ask people out.  Don’t make them feel like social rejects for playing basketball with a friend on Friday nights.  There’s a lot more to life than dating, and the long run, he or she may have a lot less regrets.  

ILLUSTRATION: Bill Gates, president and founder of Microsoft, the worlds most successful entrepreneur, once said, ''Maintaining focus is a key to success." Gates applied this during his early years by almost exclusively focusing on developing his technology skills and building his company. In a sense, he was married to Microsoft, and a committed relationship would have distracted him from his all-consuming vision. He didn't get married and settle down till he was almost 40. 

II.  Down With Boring Dates!  

    Most people in Europe and America will eventually date before they marry.  If the purpose of dating is to get to know a person better, then people would do well to consider what types of dates would best serve this purpose.  Many find themselves stuck in a rut, having the same type of date (a meal and a movie?) weekend after weekend, never progressing in the relationship.  

The answer?  Creative dating!  One survey found most students preferring a creative date over a traditional romantic date.   (Again, we’re pushing group and double dating.)  

    Here are some ideas:  Make and fly a kite together.  Repair some old toys, wrap them up as gifts for orphans, and visit an orphanage to hand them out and play with the orphans.  Visit some lonely people in a nursing home.  Spend time with each set of parents, asking them questions (such as, "What have been some of the happiest times of your life?"  "What's the craziest thing you ever did?"  “What are some of the greatest lessons you have ever learned about life?”)  Play charades.  Cook a meal for yourselves. Cook a meal for an old person.  Play soccer with a small, floating ball in a huge mud puddle.  Put together a model. Put together a puzzle. Have a picnic in a park and think up interesting, open-ended questions to ask each other. (“What are 5 things you want most out of life?”  “What bugs you most about people who turn you off?”  “Who is the person you admire the most and why?”)

Conclusion

    Today we have probably expanded our ideas about dating.  It's hard to evaluate our own way of doing things because we usually think it is the only way.  Now is a good time to think about your own life.  Are your ideas of selecting a mate more based on your culture, or on your convictions?  

Summary Points

• Don't feel pushed into dating. It's okay not to date!

• One-on-one dating isn't the only way, or necessarily the best way, to get to know people of the opposite sex.

• America's method of mate selection isn't the only method.

• If you date, consider creative dates that help you get to know each other better.

Homework Options

• Talk with some international acquaintances about how they select mates in their country.  

• Talk to your parents, or even better, grandparents, about how people found  mates during their generation.  And what did they do on dates?  Bring us back some fresh ideas next week!   

• Do some internet research on dating/mate selection/courting in other countries.

(Copyright August, 1997 by Steve Miller and Legacy Educational Resources.)