MAKING FRIENDSHIPS LAST 
ASKING FORGIVENESS

PURPOSE:  By the end of this lesson, I want my students to understand the importance of asking for forgiveness.   

RELATED RESOURCES: See overhead and student handout.  

FACILITATORS: Think through your own life experiences. What family members or friends have been hurt because someone refused to ask forgiveness? Are there practical lessons from your life and experience that would make this lesson more personal?  

Have you ever noticed that you can go on vacation to the same place on two different occasions, one vacation being the time of your life and the other a total waste?  Often the difference has nothing to do with where you were going, and everything to do with the people you were with.  Delightful people can make an otherwise boring trip into a delight.  Irritating people can ruin the grandest of occasions.  If you think of it, much of our happiness depends on the people we are with and our ability to relate to them.  

            Quality relationships are central to our happiness.

Yet, many people seem to have difficulty keeping relationships over the long haul.  They end up lonely and unfulfilled in their relationships. In America , abo ut half of those who get married will end up divorced.  And of those who stay together, how many enjoy a really close relationship?  

Given enough time, we do or say things that hurt our friends, whether we mean to or not. For friendships to last, we've got to learn how to repair these fractured relationships. Asking forgiveness is a big part. It's as simple as saying, "I blew it. I'm sorry." But it's amazingly difficult, because our pride gets in the way.  

Large Group Discussion:  Imagine that Jan tells you over lunch, "I was kidding around with Traci, but she's so sensitive that she got offended. Now she won't talk to me."   What would you advise Jan to do? (Guide them toward this principal: if you offend someone, even if they just took you wrongly, try to clear it up. Wherever you find walls, try to build bridges instead. Even from a selfish standpoint, you never know when you might need that person. What good is a strained relationship?)

When and How to Say "I'm Sorry" 

Small Group Discussion: Evaluate the following statements that some people make in asking forgiveness. Do you think each is going about it the right way? Why or why not? (After the small groups discuss, ask the entire class these questions, helping them to think through each situation.)  

Statement #1 - "I've been secretly jealous of Jan, so I'd better ask her to forgive me." (Bad idea, unless the jealousy was obvious to the person.  If Jan doesn't know you've been jealous, then she has nothing against you.)  

Statement #2 – “I don't need to say I'm sorry because I didn't really do anything wrong.  He just understood me the wrong way."  (Bad approach. If the person has something against you, it's still a good idea to try to clear it up.)

Statement #3 - "O.K., I'm sorry.  I was wrong.  I got mad.  But if you hadn't called me an idiot, I wouldn't have done it!"  (Bad approach.  Rather than simply admitting the point in which he was wrong, he pointed out the other person's fault and put the blame on him. Rather than healing an emotional wound, you just aggravated it. Sometimes we react this same way to our parent's criticisms:

Mom:  "Why did you come home late tonight?" 
Son:  "If you didn't make me work so long in the garden, I wouldn't have stayed so long."

Statement #4 -  "I would tell Pete that I am sorry, but it wouldn't do any good.  I know he wouldn't forgive me." (I'd try anyway. That way you've done your best to clear the relationship from your side. And you never know when the other person might actually  come around.) 

Putting It Into Action

On a sheet of paper, write the initials of some people who have something against you. Think of teachers, students, family members, people in your neighborhood, those who participate in a sport with you. (Facilitator: If there are relationships you need to repair, admit that you're writing down some initials yourself. Students respond when they sense that we're all in this character development thing together.) 

Discussion: What hinders us from trying to restore these relationships? (They may mention pride or the feeling that nothing would be accomplished.) How can we overcome these hindrances?

Helpful Hints

If you're serious about learning to restore relationships through asking forgiveness, here are some hints you might want to consider:

A. Find an appropriate time and place. Usually, one on one is best.

B. Word your apology so that it reflects true sorrow.

Poor: "I blew it.  But so did you!"
            "I'm sorry that you took me wrong." 

Better: "When I got mad at you this weekend, I said some horrible things to you.  I was wrong.  I'm sorry.  Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?  Our relationship is important to me." (Of course, if the problem is only a misunderstanding, you may have nothing to confess.  But it is still important to communicate that you didn't mean it the way it came across.) 

C.  In some instances, avoid writing a letter or e-mail.  

Letters can document things to be later used against you.  Letters can be misunderstood easier than a conversation.  Letters do not allow the other person to immediately respond, should they want to.

D.  Make it a way of life.

Learn to clear up problems as they happen.  In this way, you don't have to worry with problems for days, or even years.  Sure, it takes effort and maturity to keep mending relationships. But it pays richly in peace of mind and absence of intense conflict.

ILLUSTRATION: A college student felt that the ability to forgive others and to ask forgiveness was so important to a long-term relationship that he looked for this quality in a girl that he was attracted to.  You see, he knew that in a long term relationship such as marriage would inevitably produce many misunderstandings and hurts.  He wanted someone who, as a habit of life, tried to clear up these hurts as they happened, rather than building lists of wrongs in her mind.  When he found a girl who worked on reconciliation with those who had done her wrong, he was impressed.  Eventually, he married her!  

Tons of people are lonely because they flit about from one shallow relationship to another, dropping friends whenever the going gets rough. I challenge you to develop the fine arts of forgiving and asking forgiveness, so that your relationships can hang in there for the long haul. 

            (Copyright August, 1997 by Legacy Educational Resources).