Home (Leave Private Section)  Links to Resources   Crowd Breakers   Help 

Forgiveness: Essential Key to Lasting Friendships
Be Tough Enough to Forgive

PURPOSE:  By the end of this lesson, I want my students to understand forgiveness and to be motivated to practice it. 

RELATED RESOURCES: See overhead and student handout

QUOTES: To put on blackboard or overhead.

"Even in technical lines such as engineering, about 15% of one's financial success is due to one's technical knowledge, and about 85% is due to skill in human engineering - to personality and the ability to lead people."

"The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee.  And I will pay more for that ability than for any other under the sun." (John D. Rockefeller, famous American businessman and philanthropist)

I. Getting Motivated...

Discussion: In small groups, discuss why it's important to learn relational skills (in friendships, family, work, school).  (Have group leaders report their ideas to the entire group. You may keep them seated in small groups for the next discussion as well.)

If you think about it, the quality of our relationships in life determines much of our happiness.  A vacation to a plush resort can turn into World War III if the relationships fall apart.  Some of you know exactly what I mean!   In fact, your relational skills may be your most  important qualifications for that job you’re dying to land.  

Look at the two quotes I've put on the board. Do you agree with the first one? Why do you think Rockefeller paid so much for people with relational skills? 

I’m not just talking about becoming a person who is super friendly and can make friends as quickly as Bill Gates makes money.  Some of these social butterflies are all surface, not able to carry a relationship very deep, or for very long.  As Samuel Butler said, 

            “Friendship is like money – easier made than kept.”

You’ve got to learn to hang on to your relationships, especially if you ever want to have a family of your own, or work in the same place for over a year. But often we destroy even our most precious relationships by blowing this one, critical principle: Forgiveness.   

Movie Clip!  Use a clip from the third of the Indiana Jones trilogy (the one with Sean Connery playing Indy’s father), where Indy finally gets his hands on the Holy Grail and the cave begins to fall apart.  Tell them a little background and give a little lead time on the movie before the crucial scene.  In this scene, Indiana has dropped the cup onto a ledge that he can almost stretch to grasp.  He wants with everything to grasp it, but his father urges him with a phrase like, “Let  it go, Indy.”  He reluctantly lets it go.

Debriefing: Indiana Jones had to realize that some things that you really want to hang onto aren't worth the cost. How does this relate to people who aren't willing to release their anger at other people? (Let them share.) If we're like most people, you're holding bitterness toward other people as tightly as Indiana Jones wanted to hold that cup. But like Indiana, if you refuse to let it go, it will destroy you.  

Forgiveness is something we all want others to show to us, but we have a terrible difficulty showing to others. Let's look at it more deeply.   

II. What Does It Mean to Forgive?

Discussion: On the surface, defining forgiveness seems like a no-brainer. It's not. 

Let's take this as a working definition of forgiveness:  

"Neither getting even on the outside nor holding grudges on the inside."

In the light of this definition, let's discuss the following statements. Do they represented true forgiveness, or a distortion of forgiveness?

  1. "I will forgive her.  But I will never forget! (Distortion. Is holding a grudge.)

  2. "Although he has repeatedly lied about me, I will still recommend him as school principle since it would be wrong for me not to forgive him." (Distortion. Since honesty is essential for good leadership, I should take his habitual lying into consideration in my voting.)

  3. "I don't get mad.  I just get even!" (Distortion. Obviously "getting even" shows lack of forgiveness.)  

  4. "I don't get even.  I just hold grudges inside." (Distortion.)

  5. "Although he has stolen from me in the past, I will forgive him and let him house-sit for me while I'm on vacation." (Distortion. Taking into account a person's record doesn't imply that I haven't forgiven him. Even if a known child molester appeared repentant, I wouldn't allow him to baby sit my children.)

Summary Thought: If a relationship must change because of a person’s actions, it should not be out of hate or resentment on my part.

III.  Why is it Important to Forgive? 

Discussion: Imagine that your friend Ben comes to you with this problem: 

I found out last week that Cyndi's been cheating on me. While we were supposedly going steady, she was dating my best friend. Now that we've officially broken up, every time I see them together at lunch, my blood starts to boil. My parents say I should forgive them, but that's the last thing I want to do. They don't deserve my forgiveness. What do you think I should do?

What could you say to Ben that might help him see the need to forgive? (Put ideas on the board and add any of the following that they don't come up with.) 

When I retain bitterness and refuse to forgive, the person I actually hurt is myself. 

                       
1 -
Our physical health can suffer.

                        2 – We are robbed of our joy. 

                        3 - If you start a pattern of unforgiveness, all your long-term relationships, including your future marriage will suffer.                     

IV. Getting Personal

Let's take the advice to Ben and apply it to ourselves. Some of us are probably holding grudges right now.  Do you have lists in your mind of the wrongs people have done to you - promises your parents have not kept, that person who cut you down with her words, that girl who stole your best friend?  And the lists keep getting longer.  Listen, if you don’t do something about those grudges, they will rob you of your joy and eat you alive.

Be careful! Our minds throw up smoke screens, excuses to keep us from admitting our problem. We'll say things like, 

V. What If My Heart Refuses To Forgive?

Imagine that Ben says, 

"OK, OK, in my brain it makes sense that I should forgive them. But every time I see them, the natural response of my emotions is to boil with hate. How can I make the forgiveness get from my brain to my heart?"

What would you say? (Let them share, then mention some of the following if they don't.)

A. Realize that people seldom "get away with" bad acts and bad character. 

Bad character produces many other problems in their life. Sure, Cyndi and her new boyfriend seem to be having fun now. But their lying and cheating will ultimately harm their relationship and will cause other problems as well. The more I reflect on the future impact of their character deficits, the easier it is to turn my anger into pity. 

B. Look beneath the surface.   

We tend to judge people by their outward appearance. Ben gets angry because it looks like they're having all the fun when he sees them in the hallway. But if he could see the totally of their lives, he probably wouldn't want to exchange problems. Maybe they're desperately escaping incredible troubles at home. 

ILLUSTRATION: Popular author Stephen Covey turned his irritation into pity when he peeked below the surface.  He boarded a New York subway one Sunday morning to find a peaceful setting, everyone quietly reading or resting.  But mayhem broke loose when a man and his rambunctious children entered.  The children yelled, grabbed newspapers from people, and threw things.  And the man sat there with his eyes closed, doing absolutely nothing.  Says Stephen, “I could not believe that he could be so insensitive as to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all.”  So he turned to the man and challenged him to control his kids.

OK, let’s be honest.  If you were on that tranquil subway trying to read a newspaper, and these rug rats start poking your paper and creating chaos, wouldn’t you be ready to strangle this irresponsible father? But what happened next cured Mr. Covey's  irritation.

“The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right.  I guess I should do something about it.  We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago.  I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.” (Stephen R. Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Simon and Schuster, 1990, pp. 30,31.)

Had you been Mr. Covey, how would that have affected your irritation? You see, none of us know what lurks beneath the surface that resulted in someone’s obnoxious behavior or hurtful comments.  We only see a small part of the bigger picture. Can't we imagine that the person we're mad at may be dealing with unseen difficulties as well?

Conclusion

Knowing what we know about forgiveness, we stand before two paths. The path of unforgiveness leads to a life of bitterness, heartache and misery. The path of forgiveness leads to freedom. Like Indiana Jones, we desperately want to hold onto that cup of bitterness, knowing the cost, or to heed his father's warning and "Let it go."

I challenge you to go home tonight and jot down the initials of the people you've refused to forgive. Then, say over the list, "It's over. You're forgiven. I refuse to let my anger control me any longer." You may have to say it over many times, when the old memories come rushing back, but it's that first step that starts the healing.

(Copyright August, 1997 by Legacy Educational Resources).