Our character trait of the week is so revolutionary that those who pursue it will dramatically improve their personal happiness and excitement for life. It's so simple that nobody here will fail to understand it. Yet, it's so opposite to the way our culture thinks that few of us can buck the system enough to make it a way of life.

Does anyone know what that trait I'm talking about? (Let them guess.) We're talking about gratefulness and thankfulness.

How would you define gratefulness? (Get some responses.) Let's use this as a working definition:

"A feeling of thankful appreciation for benefits received."

That doesn't seem so hard to understand or live out.

Discussion: So why do you think most people have a hard time being grateful? (If they don't mention those reasons I cover next, bring them up and discuss.)

When legendary guitarist Carlos Santana...

[Quick trivia: I'll give a piece of candy to anyone who can guess the name of Santana's first album. (It was called, "Santana")]

...chose the songs for his recent (1999-2000) best-selling album, he purposely tried to run positive, encouraging themes through the album. Why? In a recent interview, Santana says that lots of students have a ''victim mentality.'' They wake up each morning believing that life stinks and everyone's out to get them. He then hits the interviewer with a paradoxical statement:

''As you know, most people are not happy unless they're miserable.''

What do you think he means by that statement? (It's not popular to be positive. It's much cooler to gripe about the bad than be thankful for the good.)

Let's do a little survey to see what popular culture is pushing on us regarding gratitude.

Who can name for me five recently popular rap/hip-hop songs where the theme of the song is primarily positive about life, full of gratitude? How about recently popular rock songs? Can you see why it's difficult for us to buck the culture, when it's so overwhelmingly negative?

So, one reason we resist being grateful is the conception that it's uncool to be positive. But another reason is because…

Does being grateful mean that…

• …I must be a conformist, happy with the status quo? (No, I can still get upset about unfairness in our school, home or world. I just don't let this discontent become my dominant attitude.)
• …I hide my rage, pasting a plastic smile on my face no matter what happens? (No, I can face my emotions honestly, yet not allow the negative to control my life.)

Some of us resist being thankful because we're afraid we'll have to be like some fake person we despise or that we have to accept everything about our lives. Actually, it's very possible that I could write a song condemning the injustices of life, sing it with great anger, yet in my day to day life still be filled with gratitude for the good things in life.

• Would you like to be happier? Or, is one of your long-range life objectives to be miserable? Grateful people tend to be happier than complainers.
• Would you like to be healthier? Grateful people tend to be healthier.
• Would you like to have better relationships? Then be grateful.

I'm not making this up or just speaking from my personal experience. Clinical Psychologists have done studies that found gratefulness making people happier, healthier, and helping them have better relationships.⁽¹⁾ Here's what some pretty smart people say about the importance of our attitudes:

We need more people who can bring out the smiles in each of us. Let's do a competition to see who's the best:

Debriefing, as donuts are served: In some ways, it seems we resist seeing the positive in life as hard as we resisted smiling in the game. When we resist in real life, we're only hurting ourselves. What are some practical ways we can become more grateful and start receiving the mental, social and physical benefits?

Discussion: Imagine that an acquaintance is sitting with you on the bus and says, says, "My best friend just told me that he's tired of hanging out with me because I'm depressing. All I do is complain. What can I do to change?" What are some practical things you'd tell him? (See if they bring up some of the following items. Elaborate or get them to elaborate as needed.)

We're not naturally grateful. We've got to look at the benefits and decide that it's worth the effort.

An old saying goes like this. I'll start it and you finish it.

Becoming grateful is as simply as turning our attention from the hole to the donut.

ILLUSTRATION: How many of you have a dog who lives in a spacious, fenced in yard, but seems to spend its entire life at the gate, longing to get out? How are a lot of people like that?

Here’s an indicator to show if you lack contentment. How often do you say to others, or just to yourself, "If only…"

If only I were better looking…
If only I were smarter…
If only my parents would get their act together…

"If only this…" Then what? Do you think you’d be happy? If you’re discontent, don’t count on it, because your circumstances will never be perfect. Don't fall into the "if only" habit. It just leads to discontent. 

Let's do some activities to help us focus on the good.

Debriefing: Listing the things we like is often more difficult. Why? (Let them answer.) Because we naturally notice the bad and take for granted the good. We focus on the hole, not the donut.

1. My thermostat worked last night so that when I woke up the house was comfortable.
2. One of your parents cared enough to wish you a good day before you got on the bus.
3. Your bus had enough seats so that everyone could sit down.
4. Your bus driver got mad at two rowdy students and blamed the entire bus of students, complaining to the assistant principal and making you all look bad.
5. The custodians had swept the school building so that it was clean when you arrived.
6. You got out nice textbooks that the county had bought for you.
7. The student next to you in second period hadn't showered after PE and you had to put up with the stench all period.
8. You got a decent grade in third period.
9. You got a decent grade in fourth period.
10. You got a "D" that you thought was unfair in Fifth period.
11. Three out of four of your teachers were prepared and really tried to teach you something.
12. One teacher was unprepared, unusually boring and probably shouldn't be a teacher.

Why is it the negative that grab our thoughts and conversations? (We take the normal, good things for granted. They're not "news." Thus, they're invisible to us.) So, our challenge is to become aware of the good around us and begin to reflect on it so much that the bad pales in comparison. As Benjamin Franklin said,

Happiness consists more in small conveniences or pleasures that occur every day, than in great pieces of good fortune that happen but seldom to a man in the course of his life. (Benjamin Franklin)

You can either complain that rose bushes have thorns - or rejoice that thorn bushes have roses.

Take out a sheet of paper and draw two lines down it from top to bottom, giving you three columns. At the top of the first column, write "Material Things," at the top of the second, "People" and at the top of the third, "Other Stuff" (friendship, love, experiences, etc.) Now, write as many items as you can under each category that you're thankful for.

Now, let's have people share some of their items. As you get ideas from what they share, add to your list.

Hal Urban, in his book Life's Greatest Lessons, says that he has his students do this exercise and says it's one of the two best assignments he's given in his entire teaching career! He suggests that you read your list after lunch, after dinner, before bed and before school. In his experience, the change in many students is dramatic.