In Search of the Perfect Mate (Part 1)
Dating Series, Part 8

(For overhead outline of this lesson, click HERE.)

Purpose: To help students understand the importance of character in selecting a mate.  

Introduction

Game: "The Mystery Bag." Bring a person up to choose one of two bags, which look just alike.  Now have someone else volunteer to take the other bag. Mention that both bags look equally as appealing on the outside. "The contents of both of these bags are edible and both are used in various recipes. Now, at the same time, I want each of you to put your hand in your bag, without peaking, and show us what was inside." (In one of the bags, have a milk chocolate bar. In the other, have broken eggs or something else disgusting. Make sure the bags will not leak through. Bring a towel for hand washing!)

Debriefing: This game illustrates something very important about choosing a mate. Often what's outside doesn't tip us off to what's on the inside. And some of us rely too much on the outward appearance, not caring about the character and personality on the inside. How can we keep from getting a raw egg of a husband or wife? In this session, we'll search for the answers.

I. Look For Character

Illustration: If physical beauty alone could hold a marriage together, then many actors and actresses should have the ideal marriages. But do they? How many actors or actresses can you name who keep failing at marriage? (Let some youth share.) Interestingly, their marriages seem to fare no better, probably worse, than the rest of the population. 

Beautiful actress Zsa Zsa Gabor, veteran of eight marriages (latest count by November, 1995), once said that "getting married is just the first step toward getting divorced." (People Magazine, Nov. 13, 1995, p. 120). This observation makes me want to look beyond physical beauty in seeking a marriage that will last.

Most people are so obsessed with beauty that they overlook the importance of character. But have you ever noticed how a pretty face can lose its beauty if that person hurts your friends, acts snooty, or becomes insanely greedy? Conversely, have you ever noticed how a person you never considered beautiful became more lovely when you recognized his/her inner beauty? In this sense, beauty can indeed be in the eye of the beholder.

In this session, we won't ignore attractiveness, but will look further at other traits that make for a good marriage. It is primarily character strengths or flaws that make the difference between a marriage made in heaven, and one that resembles hell. 

A. Write a Profile of Your Dream-mate.

Have you ever written down what you are looking for in a mate? Writing a list of characteristics that are important to you can help you become more objective about a decision that people often give over totally to their emotions.

Activity: (Hand out paper and pencils.) Write "My Dream Mate" on the top of your page. Now, write a description of the person you would like to marry. You can write any physical, spiritual, and character qualities that you think are important. (Give them some time.)

Are any of you willing to share with us what you are looking for? (Get their ideas and put the better ones on the blackboard, but be prepared for some interesting ideas on this one!)

I'm sure that all of us want to marry someone who's attractive to us. That's a given. But beyond looks, we need to look for character traits that make a long-term relationship possible. Lots of people marry pretty faces that begin to look pretty rough once the selfish character emerges. Beautiful people get divorced every day. So,  let's look at this issue of character in more depth. Be prepared to write down some additional characteristics as you find them.

The Importance of Character

Most of us know the danger of marrying a creep or scoundrel. Yet, often bad people can turn on a charm that's almost irresistible.  That's what makes some people great crooks! You can justify dating such a person by saying, "He needs a person like me; I can change him!" But pay attention to this object lesson.

Object Lesson: Have half of your students stand on their chairs. Each of the remaining students should choose a "chair person" to stand by on the floor. Now, ask the higher youth to try to pull the lower youth up, while the lower youth tries to pull the higher youth down. Which is easier, to pull a person up to your level, or to get pulled down to their level? What does this have to do with dating? (It's easier to get pulled down by a creep, than to pull a creep up to your level.)

So what specific character traits are important for a marital relationship? Since marriage counselors talk to married people all day about their problems, why not ask them what characteristics are most important for a stable marriage? Norman Wright (Premarital Counseling, pp. 28-34) mentions the following characteristics:

Trait #1:  Adaptability and Flexibility (the ability to adjust to change, accept differences)

Trait #2: Empathy (sensitive to the needs and hurts of others)

Trait #3: Ability to Work Through Problems

Trait #4: Ability to Give and Receive Love

Trait #5: Emotional Stability (accepts and controls emotions, expressing them without tearing down the partner)

Trait #6: Ability to Communicate (talking freely, communicating feelings, keeping the communication lines open)

Trait #7: Commitment (willing to share the adventure of life and work through the inevitable difficulties.)

In addition to Wright's list, here are a few characteristics that are especially important to me (Teacher, are there additional qualities that you think are important to emphasize? You may wish to come up with your own list, or use the following list as a guide.)

Trait #8: Selflessness, the desire to put other's needs before their own. 

Trait #9: Doesn't Love Money. One study found that over half of U.S. divorces came about primarily because of money. The opposite extreme of materialism can be just as devastating to a relationship. Some people are too lazy to support their family. 

Trait #10: Ability to Forgive. Hurts and misunderstandings are common to the best of marriages. A person who refuses to forgive, keeping mental lists of past wrongs, can sour an otherwise great relationship.

Trait #11: Not Contentious. 

Trait #12: Wisdom. You certainly don't want a fool for your closest companion. 

Trait #13: Spiritual Compatibility. Do you have a similar interest level for spiritual things? Are your religious beliefs compatible?

Warning: Don't expect to find a person with all of these character traits. But by keeping your eyes open for character, you'll begin to notice both  "green flags" (characteristics that make for a good marriage) and "red flags" (characteristics that harm marriages.) Looking for character gives some objectivity to a decision which is often left to the whim of emotions. Remember, almost everyone feels emotionally in love when they marry. Yet, half of those end up divorced. A good marriage takes more than feeling in love. Begin looking for character and you'll discover what it takes to make relationships last for the long haul.  

B. Learn to Discern Character.

It's one thing to value character, quite another to be able to spot it. How will you find out if a person has the character you think is important? Here are some ideas.

1. Notice how he treats his family and other acquaintances. Remember girls, if he is infatuated with you, he will be on his best behavior to keep from losing you. But when emotional love takes the back seat to managing a household and cleaning poop diapers, he will probably treat you like he he now treats his parents, brothers, sisters, and friends. His relationships with others may show more about his character than his relationship with you. And remember, you'll never see him relate to others if you single date all the time. Do lots of group activities together.

Does he forgive people when they wrong him? Does he resolve conflicts, or just run from difficult relationships? Is he genuinely concerned for the welfare of others? Is he considerate of the feelings of his family and friends?

2. Don't fall into the monotony of simply watching movies and watching TV on dates. All you will find out is what kind of movies he likes. Rather, plan some times with your family, or participating in group activities, where you see him relating to others. 

3. Notice who his close friends are. If their morals stink, don't be surprised if they reflect a side of him that you haven't seen.

Exercise: Get into small groups and imagine that each of you are in a dating relationship (not with each other!). Now go back to the seven characteristics listed by Norman Wright as essential to a great marriage. Brainstorm for each characteristic how you'll look for and recognize that characteristic in the person you're dating.

(Example:  Trait #1: "Adaptability, Flexibility" - 1) See how he reacts when things don't go according to his plans. Does he blow up, or can he flow with the tide? 2) Does he always have to have his way, or can he do what you want sometimes and what he wants other times? )

After you've discussed each with your group, report to the entire group what you've come up with. 

Reality Check

For a good reality check for those currently "in love", take a sheet of paper, divide it down the middle, and list on one side the positive points of the girlfriend or guy friend and on the other side the negative points. If you see no negative, you're probably blinded by love and need to open your eyes a little wider!

C. Take a Look at Yourself.

Ok, so some of you guys have telescoped in on a girl who has the looks of a movie star, the patience of Job, and the goodness of Mother Theresa. "She'll take good care of me," you say. Sounds great,  but let's give the girl the telescope and have her point it at you. Are you the kind of guy whom the girl you are looking for would want to marry if she met you? (Say these last two sentences slowly and pause after the question for a moment for reflection.)

You see, perhaps even more important than choosing the right person is being the right person. Someone has said, "go into marriage with your eyes wide open; go through marriage with your eyes half shut." In other words, once married you will find all kinds of character flaws in your partner. And some bad characteristics will probably get worse! So the most important thing you could do as a result of this lesson is to look over your list of traits and begin developing that character in your own life. Only then you will have the patience, forgiveness, and fortitude to make a marriage last for the long haul.

I'll close by emphasizing one of the most important traits in relationships. Counselor Norman Wright mentioned above. It's called commitment. Will you take your marriage vows seriously? Think about it. "For better or for worse. For richer or for poorer. In sickness and in health. To death do us part." Not "till my needs are no longer met. Not "till she is no longer young and beautiful." Not "till the feeling of love dries up." To death. In closing, let me illustrate what I mean.

Illustration: Many people divorce because "my mate no longer meets my needs." In stark contrast to this attitude, Robertson McQuilkin gave up the presidency of Columbia International University to better serve his wife. Because of the ravages of Alzeimer's Disease, she can no longer provide the understanding, communication, and services that once defined their relationship. She can't even speak in sentences, much less cook a meal or share a good book or movie.

But Dr. McQuilkin doesn't consider his devotion unusually heroic. "It was a matter of integrity," he writes. "Had I not promised, 42 years before, 'in sickness and in health...till death do us part'?" In his mind, Muriel had taken great care of him for the first part of their marriage. Now it was his turn. So this brilliant leader left a fulfilling, prominent career to feed, bathe and hold the hand of Muriel, who could no longer care for herself. That's what I mean by commitment in marriage. That's the type of commitment I want to have in my own marriage. ("Living By Vows," Robertson McQuilkin)

Conclusion

Great character is vital to a great relationship. This week, take your list and look for weak spots in your own character. Star one or two that you need to further develop. Strong character is the best gift you could ever give your future mate.

Homework: Ask your parents and married relatives what character traits they think are most important for a successful marriage. Bring us back some ideas!