IN SEARCH OF THE PERFECT MATE

In Search of the Perfect Mate (Part 2)
Dating Series, Part 9

(For overhead outline of this lesson, click HERE.)

Introduction

Discussion from Homework: In the last session we talked about searching for the perfect mate. What did we say was more important than physical beauty? That's right, character. I assigned you to ask your parents and other married relatives about which characteristics they felt were most important for a good marriage. Can some of you tell us what they said?

Today we'll move past character to look at other principles for finding that special life mate.

II. Find a Healthy Relationship

A. Are Your Personalities and Needs Compatible?

Complementary Needs Versus Conflicting Needs

If both of you love social functions, but one is outgoing and the other shy, your needs are complementary. But if you hate social functions and your mate lives for them, your conflicting needs may lead to marital conflict.

If Mr. disciplined marries Miss compulsive, expect some conflicts. But if you're flexible, you may each learn a new side of life.

B. Do You Have Some Common Interests?

If you thrive on adventure (mountain climbing, taking risks in business, eager to travel and even live in another country) think twice before dating someone who wants to do the same thing every day and whose idea of "living on the edge" is eating spaghetti without a napkin.

C. Do You Have Similar Financial Goals and Expectations?

If your idea of splurging is to order cheeseburgers rather than regular, beware of the beware of a girl who expects a five star restaurant every date.

D. Do You Agree on the Basic Roles of a Husband and Wife?

Do you see the husband the head of the home? In what way? Do you think it's okay for the wife to work full time, even when the children are small? Is it okay for the wife to be the primary breadwinner, while the husband takes primary care of the children? Make sure you're on track with basic roles.

E. How Does the Relationship Feel?

Are you comfortable around the person, like best friends? Does the relationship just seem right?

II. Consider Your Feelings

In some cultures, especially where marriages are arranged by parents, feelings may have little or no part in mate selection. In those cultures, a person commits himself to grow to love his mate. It's a choice, not a feeling. But in most Western cultures, the feeling of love is a big part of the mate selection process. Often it is overrated, eclipsing all considerations of character and personality.

Illustration: Some people "just know" whom they're supposed to marry, but each year they "just know" it's another person! This phenomenon makes me question people's ability to "just know" that they're supposed to marry a certain person. For many, the statement "But we're in love!" answers with finality any objection to the relationship. But remember, one survey found the average person falling in love three to five times before marriage.

Yet, although our feelings are often fickle and can't be trusted completely, neither should we ignore them completely. It's perfectly legitimate to ask yourself,

A. Am I Emotionally Attracted to ("In Love with") Him/Her?
B. Am I Physically Attracted?

IV. Before You Pop the Big Question...

A. Get Wise Counsel

If you resist getting the opinions of others, could it be that you already sense that others may disapprove of the relationship? Who are some key people you could get advice from?

1. Family. Your parents know some aspects of you better than anyone else.
2. Friends. If you and the person you date have mutual friends, these people may see an angle on the relationship that you can't see. Are your friends warning you about the relationship? Beware!
3. Other Wise People. Pastors, priests and professional counselors often work with troubled marriages. Their insight advice can be invaluable.
4. Good Books. Why not read what some experts on courtship and marriage say about the subject?

B. Make Sure of Your Timing.

Finding the right person doesn't necessarily mean you should immediately begin preparations for the wedding.

Discussion: What are some examples of bad timing that would make marriage difficult?

1. Too Early. Seventy two percent of American women who marry between 14 and 17 get divorced.
2. In the Middle of Rigorous Schooling. One friend, upon application to a medical school, was asked if he was married. After responding "no", the interviewer said, "That's good, because married couples often have problems here." The problem was that the majority of married students divorced before leaving the medical school. In a program that required 100% commitment, nothing was left for a marriage.

C. Check Your Motives.

The right motive is that you believe this is the right person at the right time.

Discussion: What are some wrong motives people might use to get married?

Wrong motives can include yielding to social pressure, escaping an unhappy home life, a fear of being left alone, a compulsion to rescue an unfortunate single person, being on the rebound from an emotional breakup, or all your friends are getting married.

Conclusion

There's nothing wrong with falling in love. But every day, some couples fall in love who will eventually drive each other crazy if they get married. Beyond your feelings, think about a person's character and personality. More than being a lover, do you see this person as a best friend? And what do your friends and family think of this person?

In this series, we've tried to add a lot of wisdom to an area of life that's often ruled totally by hormones and emotions. My best wishes to you as you continue your life's adventure and eventually find the mate of your dreams.