Setting (And Keeping!) Your Standards
(Part III)
Dating Series, Part 7

(For overhead outline of this lesson, click HERE.)

Review: In the last session we talked about how to hold onto your standards. Put that session into practice and you could save yourself from enormous heartache in your dating life. To review, imagine that I'm a friend of yours in your same grade. I tell you that I'm committed to try to save sex for marriage. "But how do I pull it off?" I ask. "There are so many temptations out there. How practically can I keep myself from falling?" Either from last week or your own ideas, give me some counsel. (If they miss an idea that you feel to be strategic, remind them after they finish.)

Introduction

Many students get into situations where they're being pushed into sex, but know in their hearts it's not the right time or place. Yet, they don't know exactly how to say "No." Maybe they're afraid of hurting the other person's feelings. Maybe they don't know how to say "No" without coming across like a wimp. Today we will get super practical, preparing you for a time when you might have to say "no" to someone. If you prepare yourself now, you will know what to say when the time comes.

III. Learn How to Say "No."

Contrary to some public opinion, it is possible to say no to your sexual desires.

Illustration: People have always had hormones. But in the late 1940s only 3 out of 100 sixteen-year-old girls had had sex. (Compare 40 out of 100 16 year old girls today. Over 13 times as many!) It's not that we can't physically hold out. We're simply allowing our culture press us into its mold.

Illustration: A survey was taken in an Atlanta school system, asking students what they wanted most out of a sex-education program. The number one, overwhelming response? "How to say no to physical involvement." (1) Some of you probably want the same information.

Let's look at two types of situations you may face. (Get ideas from your group before giving these responses. Ask, "What would you say?")

Situation #1: A Group of peers are laughing at your virginity.

Illustration: I heard the story of one cheerleader who found herself in the pressure-cooker at a spend the night party. The other girls made light of her virginity until finally she responded, "In a few minutes in the back seat of a car, I can become what you are. But in your whole life, no matter how hard you try, you can never become what I am."

That was some gutsy girl! Sometimes people really need to be put in their place. But other times, especially with friends we care about, we don't want to verbally slam them. Often, less abrasive responses are more appropriate.

Illustration: Once a guy in a popular rock band was asked by an astonished interviewer why he claimed to abstain from sex. He responded that he didn't want to miss out on God's best around the corner by getting involved with something second best now. What a great response!

You could put it this way: "I'm not down on sex. And I have the desires like anyone else. I just don't want to risk missing the best sex in marriage by having second rate sex now."

With one out of four sexually active teens reporting STD's and many adults saying that their premarital sex hurt their sexual performance in marriage, why take the risk?"

Situation #2: A person you are dating pushes for sex.

I'll give this from the girls' perspective, although it could go either way. If he is pushing for sex, he is not the type person you want to be dating. He's not respecting your wishes; he's selfishly wanting his own way. I've got two words for you: "Dump him."

But some of you won't dump him. Here are some ways to communicate with him, firmly but respectfully.

Good communication is a major key to any relationship. Your first response should be to firmly let him know your standard. "I'm not going any further than this." If you say no and he continues to push for sex, it shows he doesn't respect you. You shouldn't have to defend your standard to him. For a guy like this, you are probably neither the first nor the last of his sexual exploits, no matter what he may be telling you.

Here are some comebacks to help you. Students, help me out (let them give ideas before you give each answer.)

* "But everyone is doing it."

Answer #1: "Then you should have an easy time finding someone else to do it with."
Answer #2: "As you like to tell me, I'm not like everyone else."

* "If you love me, you'll let me."

Answer #1: "If you really loved me, you'd respect me."
Answer #2: "If you really loved me, you wouldn't risk hurting our good relationship by bringing sex into it. And you surely wouldn't want to risk losing better sex in a future marriage, if we were to one day get married."

* "But I can't help myself."

Answer #1: "Then I assume you wouldn't be able to control yourself around your secretary after you get married."
Answer #2: "Quick, open your door and sprint around the car at the next red light!" (When the light turns green, drive off without him.)

* "But we're planning on getting married anyway."

Answer #1: "But we're NOT married."
Answer #2: "So why risk harming our future marriage with regrets?" (Besides, from one third to one half of all engagements will be broken [2]. You could be giving yourself to someone else's future mate. One counselor says that he has yet to meet one married person who wishes he/she had gone further while dating.)

* "We need to see if we are sexually compatible."

Answer: "A great sexual relationship takes time to develop. Odds are, our sex wouldn't be that great at the start. So, we probably won't feel too compatible and will risk breaking up because of it. I wouldn't want that to happen."

(Premarital sex does not help determine if two people are sexually compatible.  It may actually hurt the couple's chances of making it. Studies show that 75% of those who "try each other out" by living together before marriage end up breaking up. And for the ones who get married, some studies show that they have more sexual hang-ups than the ones who waited. Good sex often takes years to develop. A few tries before marriage is no indication as to how sex will be five years into marriage. (3)

Conclusion

In the past two sessions we've talked about a lot of facts concerning sex. But sometimes cold statistics fail to communicate that each statistic represents a real person, living a real life, like a dear friend or a close relative. We began the last session with a story about a college student who acquired an STD. Let's end this session with a married man who failed to set and keep his standards while in college. Here's what he told a nurse.

"I got this pesky disease during college and have never been able to get rid of it. Every few months I get blisters, then they disappear, only to return again later. I wasn't too worried about it until my wife's last visit to her doctor for her yearly checkup. He says she has to have a repeat on her Pap smear because the first test showed cell changes on her cervix. He told her that cervical cancers could be caused by the Herpes virus, and he also told her she would be wise not to have any more children. We have only one child, Nurse, and I'm scared to death--let me add that all this has not done a lot for our marriage. If only I had known the consequences of the 'fooling around' I did when I was nineteen! [My wife] and I could have the happiest marriage in the world, except...Those moments of pleasure were foolish, and the payment is unrelenting."

Remember, this guy is far from alone in living with an STD. One in six adults in the United States has genital herpes. One in four has some form of STD. If we want great sex later, we've got to set our standards and keep them today!

The stats and stories are heartbreaking, but the good news is this:

Sex is great when practiced within marriage. Without the worries of STD's and illegitimate children, you can experience sex to the fullest. Commit yourself today to hold out for the best possible love life. If you've made mistakes in the past, that's no reason to keep making mistakes in the future. Take charge of your love live. Determine your own standards. Hold to them. 

Homework: Next week we will begin talking about how to find a mate. Between now and then, talk to your parents or other married people you respect about how they met and decided to get married. Ask for their advice on selecting a good mate and bring some of their advice back for the group.

Endnotes

1) McDowell, Why Wait? McDowell, p. 26.
2) Herbert Miles, The Dating Game, p. 135.
3) Why Wait?, pp. 133-135).