Dating, Waiting, and Choosing a Mate
Session 2
Enduring Enjoying Singleness

(For overhead outline of this lesson, click HERE.)

Review: In the last session we began a series entitled "Dating, Waiting, and Choosing a Mate."  We talked in part about some dangers inherent in the American dating system.  Can any of you remember some of these dangers? Did any of you gather some ideas from international acquaintances, parents or grandparents that you want to share with us?  Did you have any other thoughts about America's system of choosing a mate?

Introduction

    Although the choice of a mate is one of the most important choices any of us will ever make, apparently some people are going about it all wrong.  About half of all marriages fail, and of the ones that stay together, few seem to maintain a growing, loving relationship.

    Today we'll talk about singleness. Some students run into dating problems because they're uncomfortable not dating anyone or perhaps fear remaining  single the rest of their lives. How can discontent with the single life lead to problems in dating?

Desperate Daters Risk Making a Poor Choice 

    When students are uncomfortable with their singleness, they can get desperate to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. Being desperate, they're susceptible to making a poor choice, fearing that they might miss out on their only chance to date or marry. 

Desperate Daters Risk Missing Out on Life Now

    In some students' minds, life will start the day they meet that special someone.  Until then, they exist as pitiful half people, waiting for that other half to complete them.  Preoccupied with looking for their mate, they miss out on what life has to offer them now.  

    So today we'll try to take a new look at singleness, to help us avoid the "Desperate Daters Syndrome."

I.  Reflect on the Benefits of Singleness  

(Following are some ideas that you might want to add, should they fail to come up with them.)

• Less worries and responsibilities

ILLUSTRATION: Once you marry, you'll probably have children. That means tons more worries and responsibilities. To better understand the tasks of parenthood, you need to reflect on the lifestyle change required for proper baby management. For example, as a single person, you probably value cleanliness.  But caring for babies is nasty business.  To understand the reason for this, I need to teach you some basics of baby anatomy. 

             Not requiring a large brain for such activities as crying and sleeping, the cranial cavity is primary filled with a large drool gland, which excretes a small but regular flow of warm liquid onto the face of the baby and the shoulder of the carrier.  Depending on the makeup of the liquid, parents will always sport a white or yellow stain, prominently displayed at shoulder height on your best shirts or dresses. 

            Since infants are relatively immobile (except when they locate dangerous or disgusting objects on a floor), their muscles are not yet developed.  In their place, a large, remarkably active intestine wraps throughout their bodies, depositing regular piles of poop in their diapers.  The parent then changes the diaper, washing it out by hand in the nearest toilet.  I never handled poop until I had a baby.  I never smelled like poop till I had a baby.

            Besides the drool gland and intestines, another large organ possessed by babies is the set of vocal chords.  By some mysterious instinct babies sense when parents have just sat down for a meal, to read a paper, or to drift off to sleep.  At that point, they automatically cry at one of their two possible volumes -- louder or loudest.  I could go on.  But you get the idea. 

            Don't get me wrong.  Babies are wonderful.  But, unlike dolls, they demand constant attention and you can't put them away in a drawer when you want to play with something else.   

Brainstorm: Can some of you share some of the most disgusting things that you've seen babies do? Do you really want that responsibility now?

• Enhanced Opportunities to Make a Life Impact

            The Apostle Paul was one of, if not the greatest spreader of Christian teachings in the first century. He wasn't married and said that he remained single so that he could be free to concentrate on completing his life vision. 

        Single people can work at odd hours, travel extensively, and concentrate on fulfilling their vision with a single minded devotion impossible for married people. 

    In the last session we spoke about Bill Gates, president of Microsoft. Do you think he could have built Microsoft as successfully had he been obsessed with dating in those early days. Do you remember how old he was when he finally married? (Answer: 39)

• Extensive Personal Freedom

            Singles can spend their money and free time as they please.  They have more leeway in choosing their friends.

(Teacher hint: Do you have any illustrations you could share from your own life? Are there times in your life that you've been glad you were single?)

ILLUSTRATION:  It was Summer quarter at the University of Georgia and those Georgia babes were tanning their bikini-clad bodies all over the campus.  “I wish I were married,” was all Steve could think.  But as he reflected on his discontent, he realized that perhaps it wasn't best for him to be married now. Instead, he tried to be thankful for his singleness.  

            About that time, he saw an old station wagon passing by, apparently not air conditioned, since the windows were down in the sweltering heat.  The mother, with a harried look on her face, was transporting her two rug rats (bouncing and screaming in the back seat).  “Thank you God that I’m single!” Steve said with gusto.

• Time for education and beginning savings (or paying off school debts!)

                         Of course, there are advantages to married life as well.  I don't mean to put down marriage at all. But we need to balance out this idea that singleness is always bad and marriage is always good.

                         Most seem little prepared for the responsibilities of managing a family and resolving the conflicts that inevitably arise in a long term relationship.  They wait till they get married to realize how good they had it as a single. 

II. Learn the Secret of Contentment

ILLUSTRATION: Someone has well said,

"Marriage is like a besieged fortress: those on the outside want in and those on the inside desperately want out."

Those who are discontent being single may just be discontent in a dating relationship or married. The challenge to finding happiness in life is to learn contentment in whatever state you find yourself. 

Once Socrates was asked, "Who is the wealthiest?" You'd think he would have said, "He who has the most." Instead, the wise philosopher replied,

"He that is content with the least, for contentment is nature's wealth."  

Chew well on that piece of meat! If Socrates had been asked, "Who is happier, the student with someone to date, or the one without a date?" what do you think he'd respond? (Probably, something like, "the one who's found contentment in any state of life.) 

    What we are saying is that we need to learn the secret of being content, whether dating, not dating, married or single. Don't wait for that person who will give meaning to your life. Find your meaning in life now! Learn to be happy for the state you're in now and your more likely to find the same happiness when you get married.  

    Finding contentment helps us:

• Avoid desperate decisions

    Those desperate to get married risk lowering their sexual standards to keep a relationship, or jumping into marriage prematurely. As one lady said, 

"I'd rather be single, wishing I were married, than married, wishing I were single." 

• Have realistic expectations of marriage. 

    Some people are waiting for that special someone who will meet all of their needs, and bring purpose and fulfillment to their lives.  But marriage usually doesn't transform unhappy people into happy people.  And many of your unmet needs will remain unmet in your marriage.  

            Marriage and dating should be about giving, not getting, and those who counsel engaged couples try to correct their unrealistic expectations. Learning to be content before marriage will help you be content during marriage. 

Conclusion

  Have you been discontentedly focusing on what you don't have or focusing on the future, and missing some of the best that life has for you right now? Are you jealous of those who seem to attract the opposite sex better than you? I challenge you to begin focusing on the good side of the state you're in. How do you do that? Whenever you start mentally or verbally whining about life, catch yourself and think of five things about you're life that you're thankful for. Eventually, you can change your entire outlook on life by merely redirecting your thoughts toward the positive. 

Divide the class in half and get a volunteer from each group to come up to the chalk-board. Tell the groups that they have four minutes to come up with as many things as possible that they're thankful for. Members of the team can either shout out ideas to their writer, or, if they're afraid the other team will steal their ideas, they can give ideas to messengers to take up to the board. 

After 4 minutes, call time and see which team had the most legitimate ideas. The losers serve donuts to the winners. 

Debriefing: Look at all the things we came up with that we have to be thankful for. When we list the things going wrong, doesn't it pale next to all the things we have going for us? How do you think it might change our attitudes and lives if we were to rehearse in our minds throughout each day the things that are going right, rather than the things that are going wrong? (Let them respond.)

ILLUSTRATION #1: The band "Sister Hazel" recorded the song "Change Your Mind." It was played at the end of the movie "Bedazzled," where Brandon Fraser played a man who seemed hopelessly geeky and unable to attract friends, including girl friends. He finally had to come to terms with himself and realize that he needed to change. Part of the song goes,

If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind...

If you struggle with discontent about being single or not dating, try changing your mind to think of the positive instead. Discover what a difference it can make!

ILLUSTRATION #2: Eddie Rickenbacker was a World War I pilot who lived in a life raft for 21 days, lost in the Pacific Ocean. Can you imagine the pain and anguish he went through? He said, 

“The biggest lesson I learned from that experience was that if you have all the fresh water you want to drink and all the food you want to eat, you ought never to complain about anything.”

If we can learn what Eddie learned and apply it to dating and marriage, it can save us from a ton of misery.  

Preview: During the next session we will talk about sex.  I just wanted to warn you in case some of you were not interested in the subject.  (A little dry humor!)         

Copyright September, 2004, by Steve Miller and Legacy Educational Resources, all rights reserved.