Purpose: By the end of this lesson, I want my students to 1 - know how to be more compassionate, 2 - feel more compassionate toward others and 3 - commit themselves to do acts of compassion.

Supplies Needed: Optional movie clip: Buffy the Vampire Slayer; paper and pencil for the "In-Common Game," candy for a winning team. If you'd like to use an overhead sheet or student handout for this lesson, click here.

We use the word ''love'' in so many ways, that it often loses its meaning. I heard of a young boy in elementary school who found the courage to let a classmate know his feelings for her. He passed her a note in class that read, ''Cathy, I like you. Do you like me? Love, David.'' To which she replied, ''No, I hate you. Love, Cathy.''

How was Cathy using the word "Love" in that statement? (A formality) What are some other ways we use the word "love?" (I love Coke…to cook…a favorite movie…pizza…)

Today we want to talk about a character quality that's close in meaning to "love" - "Compassion." How would you define compassion? (Get some responses and put them on the blackboard.) For this session, we'll use this working definition:

According to this definition, do I have to like certain people in order to show compassion to them? (No) Do I have to feel warm and fuzzy toward the people? (No) Do I have to understand how they feel? (Yes)

In this lesson we want to grasp the importance of compassion and discover some practical ways to develop and express compassion. I'm convinced that what you do with this lesson may have more impact on your future success and happiness than anything else you learn in high school. That's a pretty bold statement, but I think I can justify it.

Competition!! In order to get the creative juices flowing, let's do a brainstorm competition that encompasses this point and the next. Divide the class into two teams. You have three minutes to get as many ideas as you can on "What keeps people from being compassionate?" and 3 minutes on "Why should we develop compassion?" The losing team serves donuts, first to the winning team and then to themselves. Each team appoints a writer to go to the board and list their ideas as they get them.

(Under both this point and the next I've listed some ideas they might bring up. After the competition, as donuts are served, have students elaborate on some of the points and further elaborate yourself where you sense the need. The point is to move them toward sensing the desperate need for us to develop compassion.)

• Fear of people (It's such a violent world that we fear getting involved with strangers or those different from us.)
• Too busy
• May miss a good time (Doing compassionate stuff sounds like a boring chores.)
• Especially for guys: It seems wimpy - "Compassion is for girls! What guy wants to be known as the "Mother Teresa" of his school!"
• Shallowness (Judging people by outward appearance and thus not wanting to treat them with compassion.)
• Prejudices (Not just against races, but against stereotyped youth subcultures - "He's a stuck-up jock." "She's an airhead cheerleader.")
• Lack of forgiveness
• Other...

What is narcissism? (Self-love as opposed to loving others.) What are some reasons we should reject narcissism and instead show compassion toward others?

How could compassion have prevented Columbine and other school shootings? (1 - Had students been more compassionate toward the killers and not bullied them through the years, they may have not wanted to shoot anyone. 2 - Had the shooters developed compassion, they would not have sought retaliation.)

• Compassion makes us successful at relationships. (Ask them how…)

Illustration: Dale Carnegie surveyed people and found that what they most needed educationally was a course on how to succeed in their relationships. So, he began to study human relationships, reading everything that he could get his hands on, including biographies of the world's greatest leaders. He was so thorough that he hired a professional researcher to spend one and a half years in various libraries finding everything he had missed. They read over 100 biographies of Theodore Roosevelt alone!

The result of his dogged research was the perennial best-seller, How to Win Friends and Influence People, which has sold over 15,000,000 copies and has been translated into almost every known language. Do yourself a favor and buy a copy. Reading and living out that book may do more for your success than your entire high school education.

Carnegie found many keys to successful relationships, but singled out one particular principle as "The Big Key." Are you ready for the Big Key to relationships that Carnegie found in all his research? Here is how he stated it:

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

If you don't get anything else from today's lesson, remember this statement! Paste it on your mirror. Tattoo it under your sleeve. It's a radical departure from the way most people approach relationships. Most people try to make friends by impressing others. Carnegie would say to think the opposite: "Be impressed by others." Why is becoming interested in others (compassion) such an important key?

Carnegie says that every person in this school has a craving to be appreciated. He says,

''The rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart-hunger will hold people in the palm of his hand, and even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies.''

Studies done by the Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching and the Carnegie Institute of Technology found that

"even in such technical lines as engineering, about 15 percent of one's financial success is due to one's technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering - to personality and the ability to lead people." (How to Win Friends…p. xiv)

Do you want to make more money? John D. Rockefeller, one of the most successful businessmen and philanthropists of his time, said,

"the ability to deal with people is as purchasable commodity as sugar or coffee. And I will pay more for that ability than any other under the sun." (Ibid.)

On the surface, you'd think the narcissists have all the fun, since they wake up every morning thinking, "What's in it for me?" But studies have found the opposite to be true. Narcissists seek their own happiness, but tend toward depression; the empathetic seek the happiness of others, but tend to end up happy.

"When people develop into compassionate, caring human beings, it not only benefits society but also promotes personal happiness and higher self-esteem as well." (Dr. Janice Cohn, Psychotherapist and author of Raising Compassionate Children, p. 15)

''American Health magazine reported the findings of the University of Michigan's Research Center that says that doing regular volunteer work, more than any other activity, dramatically increased life expectancy and probably vitality.'' (Speaker's Library of Business Stories, Griffith, Joe, Prentice-Hall, Inc., Copyright 1990.)

"The research of David Meyers and others that shows that if you seek happiness, you lose it. If you lose yourself in some bigger purpose, you serendipitously find happiness." (Dr. Ken Walker, Psychotherapist)

Illustration: Imagine with me for a moment that you're a caveman who has been frozen for thousands of years and just thawed out in the year 2003. A family in our county adopts you and you find yourself trying to adapt to a life of bewildering complexity. Not understanding electricity, you wake up one morning and want to turn on the light.

In the same way, a lot of modern people who don't have sloped foreheads still don't get it about searching for happiness. Most people don't find happiness by searching for it. They pursue some worthy goal and discover happiness as a byproduct. That worthy goal is like the switch that turns on happiness.

As literary critic John Mason Brown said,

''No one, I am convinced, can be happy who lives only for himself. The joy of living comes from immersion in something that we know to be bigger, better, more enduring and worthier than we are.''

This week, let's try to get our eyes off of ourselves and our own happiness. Instead, let's dream of worthy goals that could make other's lives better. By immersing ourselves in goals bigger than ourselves, we just might flip the switch that empowers our own happiness.

• Gives people a sense of fulfillment. (Ask them how.)

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal. (Albert Pike)

Someone has well said,

What category do you want to be in? One of the greatest ways we can impact others is through words and actions of compassion. As a 7-year-old girl named Noelle said,

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.''

This 7-year-old understood the power of encouragement. Do you want to be able to change the future? Learn to catch people doing something right, and encouraging them for it.

Illustration: When a guy became interested in surfing, he lost interest in skateboarding. But rather than put his skateboard away in storage, he was thoughtful enough to pass it on to his little brother Tony, and showed him how to ride it. Who could have imagined the impact of that one act of kindness. That little brother would become one of the most creative and innovative forces in skateboarding, Tony Hawk.

So when we're thinking about impacting our world, let's not forget the seeming little people, like a little brother or sister, or that kid in our neighborhood who's always wanting to play basketball with us, or that classmate everyone rejects as a nerd. One may become the next Tony Hawk or Michael Jordan or Thomas Edison. Everyone is of great worth. This week, let's treat them that way.

Discussion: A friend comes to you and says, "My girlfriend just dumped me, telling me it's because I'm shallow, conceited and self-centered. Now I realize why almost everybody despises me. What can I do?" What would you suggest?

Consider the reasons under "Why Develop Compassion?" above. If you aren't convinced the effort is worth it, you'll never make the effort to change your lifestyle.

Let's say you think that only nerdy wimps and conformists show compassion. Perhaps you need to realize that some people with wild and crazy images actually have pretty giving hearts.

Illustration: Ozzy Osborne is the wild and crazy guy who for years defined the rebellious side of rock. He's the guy who bit the head off a bat at a concert. His first successful band was called Black Sabbath. Given the amount of drugs he's consumed, it's a miracle that he's still alive. Ozzy's such a wild man that it would be hard to startle me with any of his bizarre behavior. But one incident did startle me.

I'm going to show you a clip from the movie, Buffy The Vampire Slayer. After it, tell me what stereotype it perpetuates. (Use one of the clips where the cheerleaders reveal that they are air-headed social climbers and materialists.)

If we see a jock and immediately place upon him our personal stereotype of a jock, that stereotype blocks our ability to empathetically look into his heart. Maybe you've been shoved around by some jocks in the hall and so you put all jocksin the same category, as if playing football could totally define a person.

We probably all have stereotypes of people in this room. One's an intellectual. Another one's alternative. Another's an athlete. One way to develop compassion is to burst through the stereotypes by discovering things we have in common with others.

Game Time! Let's have a small competition to try to make that happen.

Supplies: Paper and pencils, prize for winning team (bubble gum or suckers?)

Purpose: To help students realize all that they have in common with classmates.

Divide into groups of three or four people. The group should not include their closest  friends. Each team appoints a secretary, who needs a sheet of paper and pencil. Your challenge is to come up with a list of items that any two of you have in common. The team with the longest list wins. Items that virtually every student has in common (wears clothes, eats food, has a navel, etc.) won't count. Items that count include common interests (for example, enjoying the same style of music, likes to swim) family (for example, both have a brother, both used to live in Tennessee, both have a tattoo, etc.).

Give them only about three minutes, so that they have to work quickly. Giving a one minute warning and thirty second warning will add to the excitement.

"The winning team gets a free, all expenses paid group vacation to the Bahamas! Just kidding. Here's your bubble gum. Congratulations!"

When time is up, find out which team has the longest list and ask team members to read the similarities they listed.

• Why is it important to find what we have in common with others? (We feel closer and stereotype less. We feel more compassion.)
• What were some surprises as to what or how much you had in common with someone?
• What hinders us from getting to know others better?
• How can we in daily life begin to find commonalties among those we come across?

4. Think different. (Every time you're tempted to despise someone, imagine the world of problems they might be dealing with and seek to empathize.)

5. Believe the best. When a person acts stuck up and conceited, what are the possible reasons behind that behavior? (Perhaps he thinks he's a god. Perhaps he was raised in luxury. On the other hand, perhaps he's terribly insecure and thinks that conceited behavior is the only way to appear confident. Think: "If I'd had the same background and influences as him, perhaps I'd be acting exactly the same way.")

6. Reflect on other people's feelings.

I'd like for everyone to untie one of your shoes. (If you don't have laces, work with a classmate's shoe.) Now, with your good hand behind your back, using only the hand that you don't write with, tie it back. The winner gets a prize.

Debriefing: How many of you got frustrated? Does this help you empathize with others who have disabilities? Some disabilities are made obvious by a wheelchair or Seeing Eye Dog. Others aren't so obvious, involving mental processing problems such as Dyslexia or ADD. Others have bodies that seem to grow no matter what they eat. Whatever personal hardship you struggle with, in that area you feel like your tying a shoe with one hand.

Everybody in this room, no matter how successful and independent they seem on the outside, probably silently struggle with a disadvantage or disability or insecurity. They're desperately waiting to hear an encouraging word from someone who cares. That brings us to the next point.

7. Start Small, But Get Started. Here's how...

In a survey of teens, over half said they had been verbally insulted or threatened in the past year. (Discovery Channel/Time poll of 1,000 Americans, released April 13, 2000) And many of these endure put downs almost every day. Some of you can probably identify. Many students dread school each day, not because of difficult studies, but because of the taunts that await them there. In class, teachers put them down because of their intellectual weaknesses. In PE, fellow students tease them for their clumsiness. The well-dressed put them down because of their clothes. Then they come home to parents who remind them, daily it seems, that they will never amount to anything.

Many of these people are desperate. What can we do to give them hope?

Talk to the unpopular. Be kind to strangers. Resist stereotyping. Encourage those who need a good word. Invite some people who eat alone to eat with you. Simple acts of kindness done with a big heart can change your world.

Take on "The Ben Franklin Challenge!" Benjamin Franklin used to wake up every morning asking, "What good can I do today?" Each evening before going to bed he'd ask himself, "What good did I do today?" I challenge you to do that for a month, and see if it revolutionizes your life.

Is there an activity we can plan as a class to help our school or community? (I've listed some specific ideas on this Web page. )

(Written by Steve Miller, with input from Dr. Ken Walker and Cheryl K. Miller. © Copyright 2002 Steve Miller and Legacy Educational Resources - All Rights Reserved)