Jon's Empathy Makes a Difference 

Let me tell you the story of a kid in today's world who encountered a tough situation and determined to make a difference.

When Jon Wagner-Holtz was nine years old, his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. He and his family were devastated. After her surgery she had to take regular chemotherapy, which made her weak and sick at the stomach all the time. It made Jon really angry that his mom, being such a nice person, would get such an illness. She could tell he was hurting and sent him to a counselor, but it didn't help because he didn't like the idea of opening up to someone who had never gone through what he was going through. So he spent a lot of time alone in his room playing Legos.

His mom enjoyed going to a support group made up of other people fighting cancer. Then Jon got an idea: since many of these cancer patients had children who were hurting just like he was, why couldn't he start a support group for the children? So he did it.

He told a foundation about his dream and they gave him a little money to set up a twenty-four-hour hot line into his room. Kids started calling, opening up about their anger, sadness and fear. Around 100 kids called him and eight or nine of them called regularly. One weekend he invited the regular callers to his house to brainstorm about ways to start a support group. The kids interviewed some Psychologists and found one who could help oversee a support group. They didn't want him to run the show just to be there so that hurting kids could listen to each other, tell about their problems and give ideas for how they were coping. Thirty-two kids came to the first meeting and they continued to meet. Kids were helped. They felt they were no longer alone. By helping others, Jon felt better himself. They called their new organization ''Kids Connected.''

They sent flyers to doctors to let as many kids as possible know about the meetings. Other chapters formed. More charities offered money. Six years later they've got eighteen chapters in twelve states, helping nearly 10,000 kids. They offer a summer camp, send Teddy Bears to kids in newly diagnosed families, started a grief workshop for those whose parents died. During his high school years he went to school in the morning and checked in to work for ''Kids Connected'' at 12:30 PM. (Copyright Dec., 2001. Written by Steve Miller for the illustration database at www.reach-out.org. Source: Teens With the Courage to Give, by Jackie Waldman, Conari Press, Berkeley, California, pp. 2-7.)

Many of us get discouraged and want to give up because of the heartbreaking things we go through. Jon found that his hurts helped him identify with others who were experiencing the same hurts. What are some ways we can draw from our own hurts to help others who are hurting?

Discussion Questions

1. What heartache was Jon going through?
2. Why do you think he withdrew at first?
3. How did his own heartache help him identify with others?
4. How do you think that helping others ended up helping himself?
5. What are some difficulties you've encountered in life that might could be used to help others?
6. What's something you could do to help others this week?

How to Be the Life of the Party

Alan Loy McGinnis, co-director of Valley Counseling Center in Glandale, California, shares of a woman who hated parties. Before she'd go to a social, she'd tell herself, ''Now try hard. Be lively. Say bright things. Talk.'' But for all her trying, she simply didn't seem to fit in.

Then she decided to take an entirely different approach. It changed her into a person who others wanted to be with. You see, her previous approach was all focused on herself - how she came across, how witty she was, trying hard to impress people with herself. Everything changed when she started focusing on others. This is her new approach:

''…Now before going to a party, I just tell myself to listen with affection to anyone who talks to me, to be in their shoes when they talk, to try to know them without my mind pressing against theirs, or arguing or changing the subject. My attitude is: ''Tell me more.'' This person is showing me his soul. It is a little dry and meager and full of small talk just now, but presently he will begin to show his true self. Then he will be wonderfully alive.'' (The Friendship Factor, by Alan Loy McGinnis, Augsburg Publishing House, 1979, pp. 109-110.)

Discussion Questions

1. When the lady was a social failure, how did she approach parties?
2. What did she change in order to succeed?
3. Why do you think so many people talk exclusively about themselves?
4. How does this hurt their relationships?
5. How could we begin this week to ask more questions and get others talking?

Marines Know How to Encourage

MARINE COMBAT HEADQUARTERS, Central Iraq (April 15, 2003) -- ''On a tip from an Iraqi official, Marines with D Company, 3rd Light Armored Reconnaissance Battalion, dashed through sniper fire on the streets of Samarra, Iraq.'' In a daring rescue, they found seven American P.O.W.'s and brought them out to safety. ''After maneuvering through still photographers and a CNN crew, they climbed into military ambulances headed for a C-130 cargo plane.''

It was no doubt a breathtaking rescue, executed swiftly and courageously. But what I'd like to focus in on is what happened afterwards.

''Scores of Marines jumped from their vehicles as the ambulances passed by. They clapped and shouted encouragement. Once the ambulances stopped, most of the soldiers literally bound out the ambulances' back doors and up the airplane's ramp. Those not capable of moving as fast limped up the ramp with help from their personal guards.''

''The inside of the plane turned into a spontaneous party. Hands were thrown in the air. Those capable jumped up and down. A few of the soldiers wrapped Marines in bear hugs. The Marines hugged right back. One shouted out, 'I love you, man!'''

You may have missed that. Let it sink in. These are Marines, one of those special operations groups that represent the toughest of the tough in the military. Yet, they know how to celebrate their victories. They're not embarrassed to give bear hugs and shout their affection for one another. They clap for one another and shout encouraging comments.

Saying encouraging things and rejoicing in your classmates' victories isn't wimpy. Athletes and soldiers often shout encouragement to each other. Why can't we extend that to other areas of life? 

Who have you complimented today? Is there someone you need to write today to tell them how much they mean to you? Do you have someone close enough that, when you share with them your spiritual victories, they just might give you a high five? 

This week, let's pay attention to the others around us, catch someone doing something right, and encouraging them for it. You never know the difference it might make in a person's entire life. 

Who Could Tame George Foreman?
(Or, Security Guards, Hippies, Lunch Room Ladies and Other Life-Changers)

Younger people may know his name from advertisements for the George Foreman Grill. Older folks remember him as one of the greatest boxers of all time. In his remarkable lifetime record, he fought 81 times, winning 76 times, 68 of them by a knock out.  (1)

At age 19, he fought his way to an Olympic gold medal. In his early 20's, he defeated the seemingly invincible Joe Frazier, knocking him down six times in four rounds to become the heavyweight champion of the world. In his first fight to defend his title, he knocked out his opponent in under a minute, the fastest-ever knockout for a heavyweight championship bout. 

Later in life, he needed to raise money for his youth center and decided to show everyone that middle-aged men weren't over the hill. Few believed that he could fight seriously against younger fighters, but he stunned the world by winning fight after fight and finally knocking out the reigning champ at age 45. 

Yet, his incredible career may have never gotten off the ground had a few people not believed in him. You see, it wasn't easy to believe in George as a youth. He grew up in a poor home in a poor neighborhood and lived by the law of the jungle, constantly getting into fights to try to prove himself. To get money, he'd mug people on the streets. His friends were so bad that he thought of himself as one of the good boys. After all, he never knifed any of his victims. But anyone who looked at him wrong had better run away fast, or they'd get a taste of the Foreman fist. He was was a big bully with a terrible temper. (2)

Fortunately, George ran across people who cared. As a teenager, he moved from Texas to Oregon with the Job Corps, a government program to give young people a chance to work and learn a trade. While he was there, Doc Broadus, who worked with security, saw potential in him as a boxer and helped him to begin training. A fellow Job Corp worker, a hippie from Washington state, shared his Bob Dylan music with George, encouraging him to think about the lyrics, exercise his mind with reading, and to learn to engage people with his words rather than his fists. For the first time, George fell in love with reading, opening his mind to new worlds. (3)

Then there was Mrs. Moon, the lunchroom lady. You might think, "What kind of influence could a lunch-room lady have on a mean, tough bully? Surely only a tough coach could get through to a person like him." But you see, George had grown up hungry. His mother was so poor that she couldn't afford to give her children enough food. He was too embarrassed to tell anyone and ask for a handout. So back during his school days, he would often blow air into his brown paper sack so that other students would think he had something to eat. If the sack held anything, it might be a mayonnaise sandwich.

So you can see why food was important to George. And the lunch lady controlled the food. So when she told him to straighten up, he listened. She noticed what foods George liked and scooped out a bit extra into his plate. She smiled at him and talked to him. She even invited George home to eat with her family, once a month, every month  for six months.

How did this make him feel? According to George,

"Mrs. Moon just made me feel that I was special. She liked me for me. ... Her words echoed in my ears: 'You watch that temper.' The way she said it, smiling and cheerful, I believed she knew something I didn't. And I wanted to do as she said. Most of all, I wanted to please her." (4)

In the final paragraphs of his autobiography, after his huge early success in boxing, establishing a youth center to help young people, and regaining his title late in life, he looked back to remember Mrs. Moon:

"As vividly as if it happened the day before, I remembered the look on Mrs. Moon's face that first time I passed through the lunch line at the Oregon Job Corps center. She smiled at me. That was the moment I decided I was special." (5)

So never say, "I'm just a science nerd" or "Nobody cares what I think of them." You never know who's waiting for someone, anyone, to show that they care. A few caring students or staff could be inspiring the next George Foreman or Albert Einstein or Martin Luther King. Never underestimate the power of kindness. 

Discussion Questions

1) Why do you think George was always getting into fights in school? 
2) What would you have thought of George had you been in school with him?
3) Why do we often see people like George as total losers?
4) Do you think the people who cared about George knew what an impact they were having?
5) How would we relate to people differently if we saw their potential more than their rough spots?
6) In your mind, think of some people you could be nice to today.  

Sources

1) Wikipedia on George Foreman.
2) George Foreman and Joel Engel, By George: The Autobiography of George Foreman (Villard Books, New York: 1995) pp. 3-24.
3) Ibid., pp. 25-41.
4) Ibid., pp. 27-29.
5) Ibid., p. 262.

(Copyright September, 2007. Written by Steve Miller.)  

Games/Activities/Clips

Debriefing: Ask them to take off their glasses, look at their note and picture,  and tell about the most frustrating parts of their blind experience. How does that experience help you better understand the world of the disabled? What's the difference between a disability and weaknesses we all have in certain areas such as eyesight, analytical ability, memory, physical clumsiness, etc. (It's just a matter of degree.) How can understanding a person's inner struggles help us to be more patient with those who are often rude, obnoxious, or are referred to by others as "losers?" (Perhaps they have difficult lives at home or are hiding personal deficits or insecurities behind their tough facade. Who knows, if we'd grown up with the same genetic makeup and same upbringing, we might have been just like them!)

Clip: (You could either tell this, or use clips from the movie, both of his father before Marty visited the past, and after Marty returned to show the difference.)  Want to be a people blossomer? Learn to catch people doing something right, and encouraging them for it. Do you remember in the movie ''Back to the Future,'' how Marty McFly, played by Michael J. Fox, had a totally nerd father who was going nowhere in life? But when Marty went into the past and spent time with his then-teenage father, several things that Marty said changed the course of his father's life so that when he returned to the future, his father was a confident, successful man. Do you remember the things Marty had said? (First, he encouraged him to pursue his writing science fiction, which he later published. Second, he told him over and over again that he was good enough for his girlfriend, and needed to stand up for her.) Have you ever realized that the seemingly small things you say to people, either positive or negative, could change their entire future? (© Copyright 2002 Steve Miller - All Rights Reserved)

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Debate on Compassion, Respect for Others  

(This debate might bring out some of the main reasons that students use to justify bullying. Whenever you do something like this, make sure you have you personally have a tight  case together about the terrible results of bullying. If by the end of class Team One's still seem compelling, you've reinforced the wrong character!) Divide into two teams, with an equal number of girls and guys on each team. 

Team One argues for the proposition: Bullying isn't that bad, since it teaches qualities such as humility and endurance, qualities necessary to deal with real life. 

Team Two argues: Bullying is always wrong, showing disrespect for people and doing emotional harm.

Give teams four minutes to prepare their case and decide how to present it. Each team is given two minutes to present its case. After each case is given, each team has one minute to respond to the other. 

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Activity: Tell Me More...

Instruct students that you're going to play some music and have them walk randomly about the room and that when you stop the music, you'll shout out a number. At that time you'll have to gather that number of the closest people around you into a group and wait for the instructions. You might come up with creative, yet simple ways of giving the number, such as "1 + 6 - 2," or "The number of blind mice in the nursery rhyme". (Don't make it too hard so as to  embarrass anyone. Tell those left out to join another group.) Here are ideas for what to share each time the music stops:

First stop: Each person tell your name and your favorite school subject.

Second stop: Your name and a favorite hobby or past-time.

Third stop: Your name and your favorite style of music. 

Fourth stop: Your name and a personal hero or person you respect and why.

Debriefing: Were you surprised at any of the things you learned? It's easy to make quick  judgments on people from first impressions or from what we've heard from somebody else. And it's easy to hate or be callous toward a person that we know only on the surface. How can we change this in order to become more compassionate? When we find out that this person has more in common with us than we think, as well as sharing some of our dreams and fears and failures, we can start changing from despising someone toward having compassion on him or her. Keep getting to know new people at school. The ones you do know, get to know more in depth. There's so much more to each person than what we see on the surface. 

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Learning to Lean

Divide into groups of 6 or 8 - it must be an even number. Ask each group to stand in a circle holding hands and count off in order, one, two, one, two. Instruct the students: "When I say 'Go!' all the even numbered students lean forward while the odd students lean back. Keep holding hands so that you'll support each other from falling." Say "Go!" again and ask the even numbers to lean back while the odd numbers lean forward. 

Debriefing - When you see others about to fall, hold them up. You never know when you may need someone to hold you up. 

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Trust Fall (Showing compassion on someone falling)

Divide into groups of at least 7. One student stands on a chair while the others will stand behind them and catch them as they fall. The person falling will look away from the group as he or she falls backward, trusting that the group will catch him or her. Catchers should be in teams of two standing across from each other, with hands securely grasping each other's wrists. Let the students know the seriousness of this game so that the people do not get hurt. Rotate the group so that each person gets a chance to fall. 

Debriefing: At some times in our lives all of us will need someone to catch us. What's the best way to develop that kind of relationship with friends and relatives? (Be nice to them. Do things for people.) What are some things we can begin doing today to build empathetic relationships with others?

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Who Did That? 

I distinctly remember when I was probably a Freshman in high school, overhearing a tough, threatening-looking upper-classman say that he was overweight because he had a weakness for peanut butter. I was astounded. I suppose I pictured all "tough, threatening-looking upper-classmen" as simply standing around looking mature and threatening all the time. The picture of him coming home after school and ravaging the kitchen for Vanilla Wafers and Peanut Butter gave me a mental picture of a person who lived in a home after school and ate meals and looked after younger siblings. We had stuff in common. That thought was revolutionary to me.

The Game (Finally!): Have each student write down legibly some fact about themselves that nobody else would know about, but you don't mind people knowing. Examples might be: I won a BB Gun contest in 4th grade. I have an aunt named Fanny. I play the accordion. I once set my bedroom on fire. I'd like to climb Mount Everest. I have a false tooth.  Put the items in a box and mix them up. Have each student blindly pick a paper. Tell them that if someone gets their own, don't mention it.

Let a person read the paper they got. Challenge the class to try to guess who wrote it.

(If the group doesn't know each other's names, have them written on an overhead or a blackboard in seat order.)

Variations: You could use the same game in future sessions by giving different parameters to what facts to write down. For example, in future weeks you could have them write down...

• "What I wanted to grow up to be, when I was a kid."
• "A hobby I used to have."
• "A strange food that I like."
• "Music that I used to really like that I really hate now."
• "Something I'd really like to do, if I only had the talent."
• "An unusual fear or something I detest."

This game not only helps students get to know each other, but helps burst their stereo-types of each student. (Who would have thought that the biggest jock in the class used to collect stamps?)

Afterwards lead a discussion on the dangers of first impressions and stereo typing.

Defining Empathy and Love

Compassion is suffering -- the constant willingness to share in the suffering of others. (Hubert van Zeller)

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Compassion is a sign of a truly great and generous heart. Compassion is understanding the troubles of others, coupled with an urgent desire to help. Man naturally is not compassionate. It is an attribute he must learn by living and by his own experiences. It is cultivating an ability to put himself in the other fellow's shoes, remembering that all facts and circumstances influencing the other fellow cannot be know to him. (Megiddo Message)

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Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is. (Rolla May)

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(Found circulating the Web. Send me a source if you know it.)

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We use the word ''love'' in so many ways, that it often loses its meaning. I heard of a young boy in elementary school who found the courage to let a classmate know his feelings for her. He passed her a note in class that read, ''Cathy, I like you. Do you like me? Love, David.'' To which she replied, ''No, I hate you. Love, Cathy.''

Some People Desperately Need Love

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me ... and no one showed up. (Comedian/Actor Rodney Dangerfield)

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I have come to realize more and more that the greatest disease and the greatest suffering is to be unwanted, unloved, uncared for, to be shunned by everybody, to be just nobody to no one. (Mother Teresa 'My Life for the Poor')

It Cures Us

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. (Dr. Karl Menninger)

It Gives us Love Back

If you want to be liked, like others. If you want to be interesting, be interested. If you want to be loved, love.

It Brings Us Happiness

To love and be loved is the great happiness of existence. (Sydney Smith)

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Love is the master key which opens the gates of happiness. (Oliver Wendell Holmes)

It Brings Incredible Fulfillment

When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him. In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. [Albert Camus (1913-1960)]

It Opens Doors

It Brings Us Respect 

''People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.'' (Heard from Howard Hendricks)

It's An Essential Point of any Relationship

''The essential point of any human relationship is to try to understand what is on the other person's mind, what his objectives are. I think if one does that, it's much easier to be a useful member of whatever community you're living in, including your own family.'' (Averell Harriman)

It's the Main Part of Life

Your education has been a failure no matter how much it has done for your mind, if it has failed to open your heart. (J.A. Rosenkranz)

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You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.

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It Will Help You Succeed in Business

''A supervisor has to regard those on the line as ‘our people,' not a part of the fixtures. If you're not capable of doing that, I can't use you. The last thing I need is the Marine-sergeant type, hassling the troops. It's got to be somebody who can empathize and relate to people. Other kinds of skills we can teach you.'' (Donald Port, personnel, Gillette Company)

It Gives Power

Men have feelings too, but who really cares? (Bumper Sticker)

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You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares. (Bumper Sticker)

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Former National Endowment for the Humanities Chairman Lynne V. Cheney tells of an incident that occurred in 1994 that provides ''a chilling vision of life'' without empathy:

''That summer Mohammed Jaberipour, 49, was working a route in south Philadelphia in a Mister Softee ice cream truck when a 16 year old tried to extort money. Jaberipour refused, and the youth shot him. As the father of three lay dying, neighborhood teenagers laughed and mocked his agony in a rap song they composed on the spot: ‘They killed Mr. Softee.'

''There are two types of people - those who come into a room and say, ''Well, here I am,'' and those who come in and say, ''Ah, there you are.'' (Frederick Collins)

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''Only a life lived for others is worthwhile.'' Albert Einstein

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You don't remember what you were like as a toddler, so you can't appreciate what your parents went through. Here's a glimpse into ''The Property Laws of a Toddler'' (Found in a hospital):

If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my hand, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must not ever appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
If you're playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.

Realize It's Possible for You

Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand. (Mother Teresa)

Conquer With Love

Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love. (Mahatma Gandhi)

Keep in Good Physical Condition

Give me coffee and no one will get hurt. (Bumper Sticker)

Smile

Commit Yourself to People

Be Willing to Sacrifice

Is Easier When You're Going the Same Direction

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

Be Willing To Love Until It Hurts

Chart-topping singer Janet Jackson, recipient of the coveted Life-Time Achievement Award, recently (October, 2001) brought in a whopping $1,998,752.00 in two days of her concert tour. I'd call that success! And you'd think that if anyone felt secure and successful, it would be Janet. Yet in an interview she admitted that she struggles intensely with insecurity. So I'm thinking, ''YOU! Insecure! You're an incredible success! Tons of people love you! Why in the world would you feel insecure?''

Before a man went out to speak, his wife decided to offer her some advice. She said, ''Don't try to be charming, witty or intellectual. Just be yourself.'' Some people just don't know how to be an encourager!

How many cheerleaders does it take to change a light bulb? Answer? Ten. One to do it, 9 to hug her when she is finished!

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''Speak ill of no man, but speak all the good you know of everybody.'' (Benjamin Franklin)

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In leading and motivating people, which works better, encouragement or rebuke? In some situations, the encouragement, say some Psychologists who worked with a disruptive second grade class. The teacher's class was getting out of control, with kids getting up out of their seats and roaming around the class. So, two Psychologists picked up their stopwatches and came to the rescue.

They sat in the back of the class, counting how many times the students got out of their seats over periods of time. Over a 20-minute period, children would be popping up all over the classroom and she said ''Sit down!'' 7 times.

The Psychologists suggested to increase the frequency of her ''Sit down!'' commands to see if it made a difference. So, she tripled the number of ''Sit down's'' over the next 20 minutes. Sure enough, it made a difference. But the wrong way! Twice as many stand ups occurred! Over a period of days they duplicated both ways again and found the results to be the same.

The final week of the study, they asked the teacher to not tell the students to sit down. Instead, she should quietly compliment the students who remained seated and did their assignments. The result? Thirty three percent less stand ups were recorded, significantly less than any other portion of the experiment. (Study found in The Friendship Factor, by Alan Loy McGinnis, Augsburg Publishing House, 1979, p. 94)

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A student never forgets an encouraging private word, when it is given with sincere respect and admiration. (William Lyon Phelps)

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Creativity is so delicate a flower that praise tends to make it bloom, while discouragement often nips it in the bud. Any of us will put out more and better ideas if our efforts are truly appreciated. Alexander Osborn

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Chart-topping singer Janet Jackson, recipient of the coveted Life-Time Achievement Award, recently (October, 2001) brought in a whopping $1,998,752.00 in two days of her concert tour. I'd call that success! And you'd think that if anyone felt secure and successful, it would be Janet. Yet in an interview she admitted that she struggles intensely with insecurity. So I'm thinking, ''YOU! Insecure! You're an incredible success! Tons of people love you! Why in the world would you feel insecure?''

Believe in Them

Scott Adams created ''Dilbert'' one of the most successful comic strips in history. It appears in 2000 newspapers in 65 countries. But he wasn't so successful when he started out. He sent his portfolio to one cartoon editor after another, only to receive rejection after rejection. A real slap in the face came from an editor who called to suggest he take art classes. Then, Sarah Gillespie, an expert in the field, phoned to offer him a contract. According to Adams,

''At first, I didn't believe her. I asked if I'd have to change my style, get a partner -- or learn how to draw. But she believed I was already good enough to be a nationally syndicated cartoonist.

Appreciate Them

Dale Carnegie, in his perennial best-seller, How to Win Friends and Influence People, speaks of the great craving inside every person to be appreciated. He says, ''The rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart-hunger will hold people in the palm of his hand, and even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies.''

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Forty-six percent of those who quit their jobs last year did so because they felt unappreciated.  (U.S. Department of Labor)

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The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. – William James

See the Potential of Those Around You

It is said that Michelangelo was looking at samples of marble when he came across a block with a black streak running through it. Another person passed it by, not seeing any worth in the tainted stone. But Michelangelo saw it through different eyes and exclaimed, ''There's an angel in that marble,'' and proceeded to sculpt it.