Forgiveness Set Them Free

In South Africa, four black students attended a radical political rally that condemned all white people as their enemies. After all, whites had taken their land, oppressed them and taken away their rights for years. The rally referred to all whites as ''settlers'' and cried, ''One settler, one bullet.'' That evening the four students spotted a young white girl named Amy Biehl who was driving some black students home in their township. Someone threw a brick through her windshield. She tried to run, but the students caught her, beat her with stones, and stabbed her until she died.

The irony of this hate crime was that if they had only known her, they would have loved her. Little did they know that Amy's life was dedicated to fighting for their cause. You see, Amy Biehl was an American exchange student who was inspired as a high school student by the imprisoned black South African leader Nelson Mandela. She never lost the vision of helping South African blacks. At the bottom of her letters she would write, ''FREE MANDELA!'' She wrote ''FREE MANDALA!'' on her graduation cap for all attending Stanford University's graduation to see. A Fulbright scholarship allowed her to study in South Africa, befriend blacks, and organize voter education in black communities to ready them for the upcoming free elections.

Those who knew her loved her. She was funny, outgoing, and friendly. She had about completed her work and was ready to leave the country in two days. But her dreams were cut short by four of the very people she had dedicated her life to help. They killed one of the best friends they could have ever had. She came to fight racism, but died for the color of her skin. Her attackers never took the time to find out who lived inside of that white skin. And beyond killing her, they also killed something inside those who loved her: her many black and white friends, her mom, dad, brother, sister, and a boyfriend who was ready to propose to her when she returned home. (Sources: Dave Dorr; Of The Post-Dispatch Staff, IN THE STEPS OF A SLAIN SCHOLAR. , St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 09-09-1997, pp 03D; DON KLADSTRUP, DIANE SAWYER, INSIDE THE STRUGGLE. , ABC Turning Point, 08-07-1997.)

But the story doesn't end at her death. Her parents, Peter and Linda, could have carried on the chain of racism by seething with hatred for the blacks who killed their daughter. Instead, they did the unthinkable. They forgave the killers. They visited the killers' parents, identified with their pain, and hugged them. And they refused to get bitter when the killers were released after only four years. Rather, they went beyond forgiveness to set up a foundation in South Africa that continues their daughter's work in the very area where she was murdered. 

They spend more time there than in America these days. They train students to bake bread and help them set up their own businesses. They provide art, music and welding classes as well as tutorials for students wanting to get into college. Thousands of lives are being touched. Why? Because Peter and Linda Biehl stopped the chain. They were willing to forgive. According to Amy's dad, Peter ''It's liberating to forgive. We can sleep at night and we can feel totally at ease. You can't do that if you're harboring hate or anger….'' Of their work in South Africa he says, ''It just absolutely sets me free.'' (Sources: 1. Andrew M. Greeley, Commentary // Parents of Amy Biehl find `it's liberating to forgive'. , Minneapolis Star Tribune, 08-16-1997, pp 07B. 2. Amy's Story, CBS ( 60 Minutes (CBS) ) Lesley Stahl; 01-18-1999)

Do you need to be set free? The choice is in your hands. Do you want to live in bondage to your anger and prejudices? Or, do you want to be set free? Come on. Let's break the chain. (© Copyright 2002 Steve Miller - All Rights Reserved)

Discussion Questions

1) If the killers had known Amy and understood her heart, do you think they would have killed her?
2) How can knowing the people beneath their skin help us to exchange hate for love?
3) If Amy's parents hadn't chosen to forgive, how do you think their lives would be different now? 
4) Are there people who are hard for you to forgive? Why not write down their initials on a sheet of paper and reflect on how your life might be better if you chose forgiveness over bitterness.

At 9 years old, LL Cool J began writing rap lyrics. At 13, he made his debut at a club and began sending tapes to record labels. At 16 he released a single and appeared in a movie as an extra. When he eventually made the charts and the money, you'd have thought that he would have been happy, experiencing every boy's greatest dream. But he wasn't. You see, at 4 years old, his mom had left his dad, tired of his beatings. Later, the father shot his mother and grandmother. But I suppose everyone longs for a dad, even if he has been a creep. So when his dad came back and offered to manage his career, he said yes. But his dad messed up some of his contracts, to the tune of millions of dollars, while leaving him $2,000,000 in debt to the IRS. And all this at a time that his career took a nose dive. With all this rejection, it's no wonder that he grew up as a destructive kid, carrying a gun at one time, and considered a wild man by some.

But today he's back on top, producing albums on his own label, starring in movies and putting his destructive behavior behind him. What made the change? In his own words, although everything had fallen apart, and the people around him had scattered, these tragedies 

"encouraged me to get my life together. Destructive behavior and a lack of focus will cause you to neglect yourself and spread yourself too thin. You lose your priorities - namely, yourself, your spirit, God and your family. I learned to focus on my children and loving my family.... I can't make sure my family is okay if I'm concentrating on the pain of the past. I just had to forgive and get on with my life. Now I feel like I'm a winner. I've become the father I always wanted.'' 

So LL Cool J dealt with his past. He could have wallowed in self pity and regrets, but instead he forgave and moved forward. Rather than use the hurts of his past to justify living wild today, he recently opened Camp Cool J, to help others who are hurting from teen pregnancy, AIDS, and drug abuse. He's also starting a homeless shelter and soup kitchen. But what about us? Don't we all have those disappointments from the past that still haunt us? Why not follow Cool J's example in forgiving those who hurt us, and moving forward to helping other unfortunate people along the way. (© Copyright 2002 Steve Miller - All Rights Reserved. Source: ''Only You Can Make Your Life Better, by Gail Buchalter, in Parade Magazine, Aug. 23, 98, pp. 12,13) 

1) Why did LL Cool J had every reason to wallow in bitterness?
2) How did forgiveness help him?
3) What advice would you give a person who was bitter at his parents and others?
4) When we refuse to forgive, who do we hurt more, the one's we hate or ourselves?
5) Are there people that you could forgive this week, so that you can get on with your life?

Movie Clip: Use the scene in Home Alone where McCauley Culkin goes into the church, finds the old man who lives next door to him, and listens as the old man shares how he and his children are hopelessly cut off from one another. Culkin suggests reconciliation. Then you could show the clip at the end of the movie where the man has happily reconciled with his son. (© Copyright 2002 Steve Miller - All Rights Reserved)

Love means to love that which is unlovable, or it is no virtue at all; forgiving means to pardon that which is unpardonable, or it is no virtue at all. (G. K. Chesterton)

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For every minute you are angry you lose 60 seconds of happiness. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

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''Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.'' (Ann Landers)

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An apology is a great way to have the last word.

A Spanish father decides to reconcile with his son who has run away to Madre. Now remorseful, the father takes out this ad in the El Liberal newspaper: ''PACO MEET ME AT HOTEL MONTANA NOON TUESDAY. ALL IS FORGIVEN.''

Keys to a Happier Life
Scientific Studies Find Sources of Happiness

Help Others (Bringing happiness to others makes us happy)
Attitude Check (Count your blessings and be grateful)
Pursue Quality Relationships (With family and friends)
Pardon Those Who Wrong You (Don’t hold grudges)
Immerse Yourself in Something (Work and/or play)
Envy Not (Stop trying to keep up with the Joneses)
Religion Helps

Sources: Marilyn Elias, Psychologists Now Know What Makes People Happy, USA Today, 2/10/02; also Time Magazine, January 17, ’05; acrostic developed by Steve Miller and Legacy Educational Resources.

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Dr. Phil has spent a lifetime studying success. His "Life Law #9 is: 

"There is Power in Forgiveness"

"Take your power back from those who have hurt you. When you harbor hatred, anger and resentment, your body's chemical balance is dramatically disrupted. Your 'fight or flight' responses say aroused twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. That means that hatred, anger, and resentment are absolutely incompatible with your peace, joy, and relaxation." Life Strategies, by Phillip C. McGraw (New York: Hyperion, 1999).

Choose Not to Think About Past Hurts

''You have the capacity to choose what you think about. If you choose to think about past hurts, you will continue to feel bad. While it's true you can't change the effect past influences had on you once, you can change the effect they have on you now.'' (Gary McKay, Ph.D.)

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To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it. (Confucius)

View Hatred as Belittling You

I refuse to let any man belittle my soul by making me hate him. (Booker T. Washington)

Stop Viewing Weakness as a Weak Trait

Take Responsibility: Don't Refuse to Forgive

''As deeply as we may long for peace and rest, many of us find the corridors of our hearts haunted by ghosts from the past. Walking corpses. Grotesque, bitter spirits that moan and linger and rattle their chains…because we have refused to forgive people who have done us wrong.'' (Little House on the Freeway, by Tim Kimmel)

Start By Practicing it in Your Family

Singer Cheryl Crow was in Atlanta this weekend performing at the Music Midtown festival. Here is what she thinks about family:   ''It always stuns me,'' says Crow, ''how many people I deal with don't like some members of their family. My life lesson is: You get born into a family of people and you may not be that much alike, but if you're really lucky, you'll like them and love them. I'm really lucky, ‘cause I enjoy my family. There's a lot you can learn from being a family member about empathy and forgiveness, and that's what it's really all about for me.'' 

Don't Judge People For Their Background

Jim Otto, who wore the number ''OO'' for the Raiders pro football team, was arguably the greatest center to ever play the game. According to player/coach/commentator John Madden, ''If someone came from another planet and wanted to know what a football player looked like, you'd show him a poster of Jim Otto.'' That's how well respected his is in the world of pro football.

But for all his dedication, his 9th grade coach wouldn't let him play. The coach was prejudiced against players who went to a local religious school, deriding them as sissies. Jim was ostracized and would come home each day crying. But he wouldn't let his mom talk to the principle about it. He wanted to prove himself. He'd go out each day and practice in his overalls, next to the other players in their uniforms. He was finally given a uniform, although it was much rattier looking than the others, obviously an attempt to embarrass him into quitting.

Now Otto goes down in history in the football hall of fame. Now his former coach goes down in history as a backward, prejudiced fool. He treated a future Hall of Famer, probably his top future athlete, as a sissy.