Why Cultivate Relationships?

They Bring Us Joy

We Really Need Each Other

We Need Conversational Skills

Relationships Help Us Succeed in Business and Life

Good Relationships Help Us Avoid Failure

Because Loneliness is No Way to Live

Because Money in Itself Doesn't Satisfy

Because in Relating to Others We Find Ourselves

The Importance and Power of Kindness

Kindness is One of the Most Important Things in Life

Kindness Lasts Forever

Kindness Makes Life Run More Smoothly

Our Kind Acts Come Back to Bless Us

Kindness Brings Success

Kindness Helps Others

Kind Acts Show Our Character

Kind Acts Are the Best Part of Our Lives

People Admire the Kind

Kindness Can Bring Peace

Note to Guys: Girls Like Kindness!

Kindness is Powerful

We Must Reverse a Sad Historical Pattern

Making and Keeping Friends with Kindness…

Kindness in Business

Be Proactive: Have a Strategy

Resources on Kindness

Tony Gets a Skateboard

When a guy became interested in surfing, he lost interest in skateboarding. But rather than put his skateboard away in storage, he was thoughtful enough to pass it on to his little brother Tony, and showed him how to ride it. Who could have imagined the impact of that one act of kindness. That little brother would become one of the most creative and innovative forces in skateboarding, Tony Hawk.

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Teens Shave Heads to Identify With Student

A teenage boy in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, had cancer and was in the hospital for several weeks to undergo radiation treatments and chemotherapy. During that time, he lost all of his hair. On the way home from the hospital, he was worried, not so much about the cancer, but about the embarrassment of going back to school with a bald head. He had already decided not to wear a wig or a hat. 

When he arrived home, he walked in the front door and turned on the lights. To his surprise, about fifty of his schoolmates jumped up and shouted, ''Welcome Home!'' He looked around the room and could hardly believe his eyes. All fifty of them had shaved their heads! (lost source)

Discussion Questions

1) Why did the boy loose his hair?
2) If you didn't want to be bald, how would you have felt about going back to school the first day after your treatments? 
3) How do you think he felt when he saw that his friends were bald?
4) What are some ways we can help classmates, teachers and family after they've experienced special difficulties in their lives?

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Sister Believes in Her Little Brother Mel

Mel Gibson is one of the most successful actors/directors in Hollywood. You probably know him from such movies as Brave Heart, Lethal Weapon, The Patriot, and even a voice in Chicken Run. But he would have never gotten into acting had it not been for the encouragement of his big sister. You see, his dad won $21,000 playing Jeopardy and moved his family to Australia to keep his children from being drafted into the Vietnam war. As a teen Mel hated school and hated being teased for his accent. He became a loser who kept getting into trouble and skipping school to play at the pool hall. After high school, he did odd jobs like waxing surfboards and bagging groceries. His life was headed nowhere.

But Mel's sister cared too much to let him waste his life. Although he'd never considered acting, she encouraged him to audition at the prestigious National Institute of Dramatic Arts in Sydney. And her encouragement went past mere words. She paid his audition fee and helped him prepare for the audition. He got his first part as "Romeo'' and the rest is history. 

But catch the impact of this: If it hadn't have been for the encouragement of his sister, Mel Gibson could be waxing surfboards and bagging groceries to this day. She changed the entire course of Mel's life by forgetting her personal interests long enough to encourage her brother.

Discussion Questions

1) What really bugged Mel Gibson about school?
2) How did his sister help turn him around?
3) How might Mel's life have turned out different had his sister not helped him to audition?
4) Who are some people that we could help along the way this week?

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Lack of Social Skills Cause Failure

In the book, ''When Smart People Fail,'' the authors narrowed down six of the most common reasons that people suffered major career defeats. One of these major reasons was, ''lack of social skills.'' According to the authors, ''you may get along on brilliance alone for a while, but most careers involve other people.'' 

And if people don't like you, they can help you fail. They tell the story of a well-dressed businessman who gave a sound verbal thrashing to the porter who was handling his luggage. But an observer was amazed that as the businessman continued to rail, the porter accepted the abuse calmly. So after the businessman left, the observer praised the porter for his restraint. ''Oh, that's nothing,'' he replied. ''You know, that man's going to Miami, but his bags – they're going to Kalamazoo.'' (''Why Smart People Fail,'' in Reader's Digest, condensed from When Smart People Fail, by Hyatt and Gottlieb, Simon and Schuster, NY, 1987)

Why do you think most people are fired from their jobs? Lack of skills? Guess again. ''Of five people who lose a job, two will lose it because of lack of skills, and three will lose it because of their inability to work with people.'' 

I hope you pass all your academic classes with flying colors, but if you become arrogant and unkind along the way, don't be surprised if one day you get a job and notice a lot of friendly "C" and "D" students getting promotions ahead of you. 

Practicing kindness can be more important than practicing Calculus - and that's coming from an educator! This week, let's remember that our Friendship Quotient is at least as important as our Intelligence Quotient.  Be kind to someone today!

Discussion Questions

1) According to the authors of "When Smart People Fail," what is one of the reasons people fail?
2) What do you think the authors mean when they say, ''you may get along on brilliance alone for a while, but most careers involve other people.'' ?
3) How can we find out what we lack in social skills?
4) What are some ways we can improve our social skills?
5) What's one thing you can do this week to work on your social skills?

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Mike Tyson: Who Really Cares?

Before heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson's high profile run-ins with the law, you'd have thought that he would be on top of the world, as he was the youngest boxer ever to fight for the heavyweight boxing title. But in an interview with Sports Illustrated, he shared how nothing could fill the emptiness left by the death of his mother and trainer (named Cus). Tyson said, ''I'm doing well, but when I come down to it, who really cares? I like doing my job, but I'm not happy being victorious. I fight my heart out and give it my best, but when it's over, there's no Cus to tell me how I did, no mother to show my clippings to.'' (© Copyright 2002 Steve Miller - All Rights Reserved)

Discussion Questions

1) Mike Tyson had achieved incredible success at an early age. Why couldn't he be happy?
2) If you had to choose, which would you want, great success or great friends? Why?
3) Why do you think our relationships with friends and family are so important?
4) Although we can't force other people to like us, what are some of the most important social skills necessary to make and keep friendships?
5) What can you do to improve your relationships at home and at school this week?

Games, Activities and Clips

(Put this on an overhead, blackboard, or handout.) Here's a fascinating test. Quickly count the ''F's'' in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-

IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE

EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Now, how many did you come up with? Three? If you did, you're like most people. Try again. The total is six! Look at it more carefully. For some reason the brain has difficulty processing the ''F's'' in the word ''of.''

The point? Some things that should be obvious are difficult to see. Just like most people are blind to three of the ''F's'' above, all of us tend to have blind spots in our personalities and people skills that hurt us in our relationships. They are easy to spot in other people -- friendship busters like moose breath, saying dumb or embarrassing stuff, body odor, and I could go on and on.

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Divide into teams of 5 or  6. Each team takes out a sheet of paper. Explain:

Your small group is aboard a sinking ship, just about to put out the life raft. You have about three minutes before the boat sinks to decide what items you want to take with your group onto the nearby deserted island. You know that the island contains fruit trees, wild animals and running water. You can only take 5 items. Decide as a group what you will take.

After the three minutes, ask each team what they decided to bring and why.

Debriefing: How did other people's input help you in deciding what to take? What mistakes might you have made had you made this quick decision on your own? Why is it beneficial to have input from others on life's decisions?  

Positive Versus Negative Communications (Discussion)

Teacher Hal Urban says this activity makes quite an impact. In a group discussion, he identifies two categories of interpersonal communications, “Positive Communications” and “Negative Communications” (I’d write these on the board or overhead.)

Then, he asks students to brainstorm the types of communications that belong in each category. For example, “Positive Communications” may include praise, encouragement, compliments, honesty, humor, sympathy, etc. “Negative Communications” might include put-downs, name-calling, laughing at people, complaining, etc.

He follows the brainstorm with the question, “Which do you hear the most frequently?” They always say they hear and say more negatives than positives. In the ensuing discussion, you can ask “Why?” (Perhaps because we focus on the negative?) and “How could it change our lives if we began to communicate more in the positive category?” 

The Encouragement Hot Seat

Urban, Hal, in his book, Life’s Greatest Lessons or 20 Things I Want My Kids to Know, mentions an activity which he does in his psychology courses, which he considers “one of the most effective teaching techniques I’ve ever used.” Here’s how it goes:

Each student takes her turn in the “hot seat,” with all the other students seated in a semicircle facing her. First, she tells the class “what’s good about me,” what she likes about herself. Although this isn’t easy for most people, Urban notes that it’s important for students to “acknowledge their positive characteristics and habits.”

Second, the rest of the students tell her what they like about her. Oh, and there’s one rule: no comments about looks or clothing.

Suggestion: This type activity works only when students have gotten to know each other somewhat during the year. Make sure to have “get to know you” activities each week so that the students know each other. The last think you want is for a student to get in the “hot seat” that nobody even knows enough to say anything good about!  

The Power of Encouragement (Skit written for 5th-6th graders)

Purpose: To help students realize the power of their words - to heal or to harm.

Setting: Lunch Room Table

Drama

Scene 1

Ted (Sitting at the lunch table by himself, with his meal to the side, doodling on a paper)

Sean (walking up to the table with a couple of girls and guys): “So Ted, got your head in the clouds, drawing your crappy pictures? What do you think? (grabbing the papers and passing them to his friends) Are these Picasso’s or DaVinci’s?” (All laugh and throw them back, some papers landing on the floor.)

Tina (walking over with her lunch, helping him pick up his papers): So, got a friendly visit from the “Loser League?”

Ted (trying to keep her from seeing the drawings): “They’re probably right, you know. Everybody who’s anybody plays soccer or baseball. For some reason, all I want to do is draw. At least I’m good for a laugh...”

Tina (keeping one of the drawings to herself, laughing out loud): “You’re right!”

Ted: “That I’m a Geek?”

Tina: “No, that these drawings are hilarious! They’re as good as any comics I’ve read. Let me see some more!”

Ted: (Reluctantly handing them over.)

Tina: (Laughing at each one): “These are great! Have you thought of entering them in the art competition next week?”

Ted: I was afraid people would just laugh at me again.

Tina: “You’ve got to enter the contest!”

Sign that reads: "One month later"

Scene Two

Setting

Ted sits at a table with Tina, where a sign on the front of the table reads, “Signed Prints of Ted’s Award-Winning Comics.”

Drama

Sean (walking sheepishly up to the table, with his gang, stammering): Hey ya...Ted...I was wondering...ya know...I hope you never took any of that kidding seriously...(gang shaking their heads)...but...seeing that your comics are pretty famous now...we were wondering if we could buy a copy and have you sign it...(gang nodding heads hopefully)?

Ted: (hesitating) Why not? (Tina hands Ted a copy. Ted speaks as he signs it). And sorry to hear you got cut from the baseball team. I know how stuff like that hurts.

Sean: “Maybe you could give me a drawing lesson sometime?”

Ted: “Why not?”

Narrator

Sean’s words in the lunchroom hurt, even if he was just kidding. Tina’s words changed Ted’s life, because she encouraged him. Words can hurt; words can heal. Today, rather than catching someone doing something dumb and laughing at him for it, let’s catch someone doing something right and encourage him for it. We just might change someone’s life.

Discussion

1)     Why do you think Sean laughed at Ted?

2)     How do you think this made Ted feel?

3)     Why do you think Ted didn’t want Tina to see his drawings?

4)     Do you think it took courage for Tina to talk to Ted?

5)     How did Tina’s words change Ted’s life?

6)     How can we change people’s lives with our words?  

Skit or Drama: Jokes That Hurt

Purpose : To help students understand that verbal cuts can hurt people, even when they act like it doesn’t bother them.

Setting: Four students, only one of whom is blonde, are eating at a lunch table. Other students can be used in the background on other tables.

Dialogue

Kara (Blonde) (Spills her drink and stands up suddenly, to avoid getting wet): "Shoot!" (Make sure to use local lingo - "Oh no!," etc.)

Embarrassingly: "That was a smooth move!"

Todd:  "Be careful guys! In case you didn't notice, we've got a blonde among us."

Kara: (Sitting back down.) "I may be blonde, but I can tell the future. (Closing her eyes in deep thought.) Let's see, I feel the blonde jokes starting up again."

Ben: (Laughing) "I think anybody could have predicted that!"

Paul: "Hey, did you hear about the blonde who wrote the initials TGIF on the top of her shoes?"

Ben: "Why did she do that?"

Paul: "To remind her that TGIF - Toes Go In First"

All Laugh (Including Kara, who acts like she's having fun too.)

Paul: "Do you know how to make a blonde laugh on Friday?"

Kara: "No. How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?"

Paul: "Tell her a joke on Monday!"

Kara: "Takes her that long to get the punch line…"

Todd: "But not all blondes are dumb…some are into Science."

Ben: "Really? You mean, like inventors?"

Todd: "Right! Have you heard of some of the latest inventions by blondes?"

Ben: "Like the screen door for a submarine!"

Kara: "Or the water proof towel!"

Todd (To Ben and Paul): We'd better get to P.E.!

Paul: "Later Kara!"

Kara: "Later guys!"

(Camera follows the guys just long enough to not see Kara for a moment, allowing her to secretly put a dab of water beneath her eye, making a tear.)

Kara (After the others leave, she dials a number on her cell, while looking around to make sure nobody is close enough to hear): "Hey mom."  (Pause) "Okay." "Hey, could you pick me up some hair color on the way home?" (Pause. Camera zooms in close enough to reveal her tear.) "It doesn't really matter what color, just as long as it's not blonde."

Narrator: Sometimes we don’t realize how much our words can hurt others. Today, let’s think before we speak, realizing how our negative words can hurt and positive words can help.

Discussion

1 – Why do you think Kara got upset?

2 – Do you think the boys meant to be mean to Kara?

3 – Why didn’t Kara let them know that the blonde jokes hurt her?

4 – What are some of the things you hear students say that hurt people?

5 – When we see a student getting hurt by someone’s words, what can we do to help? 

They Bring Us Joy

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief. (Marcus Tullius Cicero)

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We Really Need Each Other

We really need only five things on this earth: some food, some sun, some work, some fun and someone. (Unknown)

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''We must all hang together, else we shall all hang separately.'' (Benjamin Franklin on the signing of the Declaration of Independence.)

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In the Muir Woods north of San Francisco, the great Coastal Redwoods grow to dizzying heights of over 300 feet. You'd think that each must have an  incredible root structure to anchor it to the ground during storms. Actually, any one Redwood doesn't have an adequate root system. So how do these trees survive so many storms through the centuries, some predating Alexander the Great?

The answer? They support one another. That's right. The redwoods never grow in isolation, but only in clusters. Thus, the roots intertwine, anchoring them so securely that they can weather storms for a thousand years.

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Students were shocked when a popular athlete who seemed to have it all together committed suicide. A local newspaper interviewed his best friend and asked, ''You were his best friend - did he ever talk to you about these problems?'' He responded, ''No, we were too macho to talk about things like that.'' (Overheard from Dave Busby) Do you have anyone that you can talk to about the real issues that impact your life? (© Copyright 2002 Steve Miller - All Rights Reserved)

Relationships Help Us Succeed in Business and Life

Early Microsoft had two leaders at the helm who each provided different elements: Bill Gates and Paul Allen. They had been programming together since Gates was in middle school and Allen in high school. Gates said, ''I guess you could call me the doer and Paul the idea man. I'm more aggressive and crazily competitive, the front man in running the business day to day, while Paul keeps us out front in research and development.''

Their relationship was ''at the core of the company.'' They would argue long and intensely and loudly over issues, but come out with great decisions as a result. (Written by Steve Miller, copyright Feb., 2003. Source: Stephen Manes and Paul Andrews, Gates: How Microsoft's Mogul Reinvented An Industry - And Made Himself The Richest Man in America, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1994, p. 178, 179)

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''Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be.'' (Charlie Brower)

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A Carnegie Foundation study once showed that only 15 percent of a business person's success could be attributed to job knowledge and technical skills. An essential element but a small overall contribution. It showed that 85 percent of one's success would be determined by what they call ''ability to deal with people'' and ''attitude.'' (Joe Griffith, Speaker's Library of Business Quotes)

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''I'll pay more for a man's ability to express himself than for any other quality he may possess.'' (Charles Schwab)

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Andrew Carnegie believed his greatest strength in building US Steel was in hiring those people who not only would get the job done, but would work in perfect harmony together with a shared sense of mission. This ''almost miraculous power unleashed when two or more people are working together in harmony toward a common goal,'' he called the ''mastermind alliance.'' (Bottom Line, 3/92)

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Research from Stanford University found that cancer patients who attended a weekly support group lived an average of twice as long as non-attenders. Don't try to bear your grief alone. We have one another for a reason. (© Copyright 2002 Steve Miller - All Rights Reserved)

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Pat Riley, super-successful professional basketball coach, once said of his strategy ''The ultimate goal is not to win. That's the big misconception. The ultimate goal is to become a team. If that's your final destination, the winning and recognition will follow you.'' (Robb Report, p. 77)

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''Results depend on relationships.'' (Donald E. Petersen, past chairman and CEO, Ford)

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''The most important thing I do is motivate people.'' (Mike Simmons, CIO, Fidelity Investments, from ''Speaker's Library of Business Stories,'' Griffith, Joe, Prentice-Hall, Inc., Copyright 1990.)

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''According to a report by the American Management Association, an overwhelming majority of the two hundred managers who participated in a survey agreed that the most important single skill of an executive is his ability to get along with people. In the survey, management rated this ability more vital than intelligence, decisiveness, knowledge, or job skills.'' (From The Making of a Christian Leader)

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Charles Percy was made president of Bell & Howell before he was forty years old. A reporter, fascinated by his rapid rise, asked many people to what they attributed Percy's success. The answer always came back, ''From the very beginning, he showed a knack for being able to get the most out of other people.'' (Joe Griffith, Speaker's Library of Business Quotes)

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“Successful people build good relationships. They’re sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. They’re considerate and respectful. They have a way of bringing out the best in other people.”  (Urban, Hal, Life’s Greatest Lessons or 20 Things I Want My Kids to Know, Great Lessons Press, Redwood City, CA, 1997, pp.  5,6)  

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Kind words do not cost much ... Yet they accomplish much. (Scientist Blaise Pascal)

Good Relationships Help Us Avoid Failure

You can foul up on almost anything, and you'll get another chance. But if you screw up, even a little bit, on people management, you're gone. That's it, top performer or not. (IBM Executive)

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(Good for an introduction to a lesson or series on relationships.) Many of you have seen Ben Stein on the MTV game show where people try to win his money by beating him at answering difficult questions. As well as being an actor on both TV and and in movies, this brilliant, successful man also teaches Securities Law at Pepperdine University. Stein once wrote an article in Reader's Digest (Nov. 1994, p. 202) entitled ''Mistakes Winners Don't Make.'' One of his biggest points was this: ''The inability to make and keep friends is involved in every single failure I have ever seen.'' 

Isn't it interesting that we spend years studying history, math and science, yet perhaps no time at all studying relationships? Go ahead, make the honor role or even be valedictorian of your class. But if you neglect learning how to love people and get along with them, you'll likely find yourself failing over and over in the areas that mean the most to you in life. (Written by Steve Miller, Copyright June, 2002)

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''Dr. William Menninger has found that when people are discharged from their jobs in industry, social incompetence accounts for 60 to 80% of the failures. Only 20 to 40% are due to technical incompetence.'' (The Friendship Factor, by Alan Loy McGinnis, Augsburg Publishing House, 1979, p. 15)

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Pat Riley, one of the winningest coaches ever, had an incredible season with the Los Angeles Lakers, taking them to the championship in 1980. But the next year, everything fell apart. What happened? They were no less talented than the year before. Why couldn't they win? According to Riley, they had fallen victim to a terrible disease that he called ''The Disease of Me.'' You see, incredible hoopla surrounded Julius Ervin's game. Other players got jealous, dividing into cliques and ruining their team spirit. As Riley put it, ''Because of greed, pettiness, and resentment, we executed one of the fastest falls from grace in NBA history.'' (Written by Steve Miller. Taken from Pat Riley, The Winner Within, G.P. Putnam's Sons, New York, 1993, pp. 40-52)

In his book, The Broken Heart, Dr. James J. Lynch gives evidence that lonely people live significantly shorter lives than the general population. (The Friendship Factor, by Alan Loy McGinnis, Augsburg Publishing House, 1979, p. 15)

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''There is probably no greater inner pain than the pain of loneliness. Our culture might have popularized the cult of self-worship, but it is an empty shrine. We can make macho speeches, or play self-sufficient games, but our independent attitude is a thin veneer at best. Deep within every living soul is a gnawing need to be accepted.'' (Little House on the Freeway, by Tim Kimmel)

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USA Weekend published the results of a survey of 34,000 young people between the ages of 7 and 16 who answered the question, ''What do you least look forward to at school in the coming year?'' The number one response was ''loneliness''! (From Josh McDowell Ministry newsletter, July 1990)

Because money in itself doesn't satisfy…

A great illustration to show how tons of money, without fulfilling relationships, doesn't bring happiness...

Christina Onassis was born into the lap of luxury. Her dad was Aristotle Onassis, the richest man on earth at the time. She grew up on the largest yacht in the world, which was named after her: the ''Christina.'' They would see the great sites of the world from this luxury ship, which had a large heated pool and a crew of 60 to cater to their every whim. She wintered in Paris and later lived luxuriously on an island they owned in Greece. When she got out on her own, she had a tax-free income of a million dollars a week!

If she wanted it, she could get it. For example, she liked Diet Coke, but it wasn't available locally. Also, she felt that even though it was canned, it lost some of its freshness if stored too long. Her solution? She paid a private jet to fly ten cases of Diet Coke from America to her European home every month, to the tune of $3,000.00 per case! Sounds like a fun life. Right? Think again.

In the middle of all this luxury, her relationships made her life miserable. While she was growing up, her mom had an open affair on the yacht. Her dad retaliated by having his own open affair and divorcing his wife. Christina would never recover from these strained relationships. She'd get so mad that she'd throw her dad's clothes out of portals into the ocean. She couldn't get along with her parents or the new stepparents, often getting even by bringing them trouble. Neither could she get along with her own string of husbands. 

Eventually a miserable Christina attempted suicide. Her sister Tina succeeded. Those who knew Christina weren't surprised to hear that she died at the age of 37. She relied on drugs to get her through each day and probably died of an overdose. (Written by Steve Miller. Source: article by Jeff Woloson at The Divas Site.)

Because In Relating to Others We Find Ourselves

I think I can even go so far as to say that you can never genuinely know yourself except as an outcome of disclosing yourself to another. (Alan Loy McGinnis, in The Friendship Factor, Augsburg Publishing House, 1979, p. 34)

The Importance and Power of kindness/encouragement

Kindness is One of the Most Important Things in Life

''...Ultimately we must heed the advice of Henry James. When asked by his nephew what he ought to do in life, James replied, ''Three things in human
life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.'' (Robert Coles, Time, 1/20/97, The Moral Intelligence of Children)

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In a piece reprinted in the Kennedy anthology, Henry van Dyke writes: “Are you willing ... to own, that probably the only good reason for your existence is not what you are going to get out of life, but what you are going to give to life; to close your book of complaints against the management of the universe and look around you for a place where you can sow a few seeds of happiness ... to make a grave for your ugly thoughts and a garden for your kindly feelings ...? Then you can keep Christmas.”

Kindness Lasts Forever

''No act of kindness, no matter how small, ever is wasted.'' (Aesop)

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Kindness Makes Life Run More Smoothly

''Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life.'' (Anonymous)

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Our Kind Acts Come Back to Bless Us

In the late nineteenth century, a member of parliament went to Scotland to make a speech. En route, his carriage became stuck in the mud. A Scottish farmboy came to the rescue with a team of horses that pulled the carriage loose. Awed by the great man, the boy would accept nothing in return for helping him out. The grateful statesman asked, ''Is there nothing you want to be when you grow up?''

The boy said, ''I want to be a doctor.''

The man said, ''Well, let me help.''

True to his word, the Englishman helped make it possible for the Scottish boy to attend the university to graduate as a doctor. A little more than a half century later, on another continent, another world statesman lay dangerously ill with pneumonia. Winston Churchill had been stricken while attending a wartime conference. But a wonder drug was given to him – a new drug called penicillin, which had been discovered by Alexander Fleming, Fleming was the young Scottish lad, and the man who had helped sponsor his education was Randolph Churchill, Winston's father. (Speaker's Library of Business Stories, Griffith, Joe, Prentice-Hall, Inc., Copyright 1990.)

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I believe you can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want. (Zig Ziglar)

Kindness Brings Success

''I never made a deal in my life that had any lasting value unless the other guy felt he had won a little, too.'' (Lee Iacocca, Chief Executive of Chrystler, in Newsweek, Dec. '85)

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To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

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Our rewards in life will always be in exact proportion to the amount of consideration we show toward others.  (Earl Nightingale)

Kindness Helps Others

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. (Plato)

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If people only knew how they might cheer some lonely heart or
lift up some drooping spirit, or speak some word that shall be
lasting in its effects for all coming time, they would be up and
about it. (Dwight L. Moody)

One September day in Daly City, California, Steven Ziegler began his career at the Thomas Edison School. He saw David Pelzer enter his fifth grade homeroom class - definitely not the most likely to succeed. He stunk, seemed to pay no attention to his clothes or personal hygiene, and was in trouble with the administration for stealing from other kids' lunch boxes. Many teachers would have written him off as a loser and concentrated on the bright and beautiful kids. But not Ziegler.

''I was naive back then,'' said Ziegler, ''but I was blessed with a sensitivity that told me there was something terribly wrong in David's life.''

Questioning the school nurse, Ziegler was filled in on David's home situation. David's nightmare began when he was young, as his mother's behavior became more and more erratic, especially after consuming excessive amounts of alcohol. She began having him search for things all around the house and not tell him what he was searching for, but he would be beaten if he couldn't find the object she wanted. His mother began withholding food from Dave as a punishment for perceived ''bad'' behavior. This was so bad that one time food was withheld for over ten days.

School was just another place for pain and heartache for David until a teacher saw more than the picked on, tattered, unlovely child that came to his classroom every day. Ziegler made a special effort to reach out Dave, even encouraging him to name the school paper.

Describing the day that his entry won the contest at school, Dave said, ''...Mr. Ziegler took me aside and told me how proud he was that my title won. I soaked it up like a sponge. I hadn't been told anything positive for so long that I nearly cried.''

Mr. Ziegler did more than provide love to David Pelzer. He also succeeded in having him removed from his abusive home. In all likelihood, this kindness, more than any other, probably saved David Pelzer's life.

In his 1995 book, Dave Pelzer described what it felt like to be an abused child. When the book, ''A Child Called 'It''' hit the shelves, it shocked the nation. The scenes described in the book seemed unbelievable, but eventually became the basis for the third worst case of child abuse ever prosecuted in the State of California.

David Pelzer had attended this same school since Kindergarten. He'd attend school with a plethora of unexplainable bruises, cuts and burns.

Kind Acts Show Our Character

The best index to a person's character is how he treats people who can't do him any good, and how he treats people who can't fight back. (Abigail Van Buren)

People Admire the Kind

Kindness Can Bring Peace

When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. [Jimi Hendrix (1942-1970) American Musician, Guitarist, Singer, Songwriter]

Note to Guys: Girls Like Kindness!

''I think more women are looking for a sensitive man today,'' says Lynn Sherman. ''and it really doesn't make any difference to us if he can lift up the couch with one hand or two. I think it's a responsive friend-type person most younger women want now.'' (The Friendship Factor, by Alan Loy McGinnis, Augsburg Publishing House, 1979, p. 12)

Kindness is Powerful

Kindness works simply and perseveringly; it produces no strained relations which already exist, it relaxes. Mistrust and misunderstanding it puts to flight, and it strengthens itself by calling forth answering kindness. Hence it is the furthest-reaching and the most effective of all forces. (Albert Schweitzer)

Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push. A smile. A word of optimism and hope. A “you can do it” when things are tough. (Richard M. DeVos)

We Must Reverse a Sad Historical Pattern 

I found one day in school a boy of medium size ill-treating a smaller boy. I expostulated, but he replied: The bigs hit me, so I hit the babies; that's fair. In these words he epitomized the history of the human race. (Bertrand Russell, Education and the Social Order)

Making and Keeping Friends with Kindness…

Lasting harmony with a woman (was) an undertaking in which I twice failed rather disgracefully. (Albert Einstein)

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I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.'' (Successful author/humorist Lewis Grizzard)

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My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life. (Lee Iacocca)

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The better part of one's life consists of his friendships. (Abraham Lincoln)

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Most of us would like the joy that comes from mending broken relationships and having really close friends who love us. But excelling at relationships takes work: unlearning our poor habits and learning new ones. It involves prioritizing relationships.

Yet, one writer on relationships reports that from his experiences in talking to lonely people, he's often discovered that ''though they lament their lack of close companions, they actually place little emphasis on the cultivation of friends.'' They'd rather earn a degree, work their way up the corporate ladder, or excel at a sport. (The Friendship Factor, by Alan Loy McGinnis, Augsburg Publishing House, 1979, p. 22)

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Abraham Lincoln, although he became one of the greatest presidents in America's history, didn't have a lot of self-confidence in his early years. After proposing to Mary Owens in 1937, he told her, ''My opinion is that you had better not do it.'' After she turned him down, he wrote to a friend, ''I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason – I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.'' (Sources: Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and The Friendship Factor, by Alan Loy McGinnis, Augsburg Publishing House, 1979)

So don't get discouraged if you feel like a "blockhead" at times. You, like Abraham Lincoln, can improve your relational skills if you try!

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How much time do husbands and wives spend in conversation each week? In order to find out, one psychologist strapped microphones to couples in order to catch every bit of idle conversation over breakfast, at the store, etc.

How much time do you think on average they spent talking to one another? Of the 10,080 minutes in a week, they spent only 17 minutes.

This gives us the status of many marriages and the resulting loneliness, even among the married. According to Germaine Greer,

''Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate.'' (The Friendship Factor, by Alan Loy McGinnis, Augsburg Publishing House, 1979, p. 103-104)

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Most of us would like the joy that comes from mending broken relationships and having really close friends who love us. But excelling at relationships takes work: unlearning our poor habits and learning new ones. It involves prioritizing relationships.

Yet, one writer on relationships reports that from his experiences in talking to lonely people, he's often discovered that ''though they lament their lack of close companions, they actually place little emphasis on the cultivation of friends.'' They'd rather earn a degree, work their way up the corporate ladder, or excel at a sport. (The Friendship Factor, by Alan Loy McGinnis, Augsburg Publishing House, 1979, p. 22)

Remember that a man's name is, to him, the sweetest and most important sound in any language. (Dale Carnegie)

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Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend's success. (Oscar Wilde)

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If you want to be listened to, you should put in some time listening. (Piercy)

Listen

Be a Giver, Not a Taker

Worry not that no one knows of you; seek to be worth knowing. (Confucius)

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Most people are into relationships for what they can get, not to what they can give. Thus, some couples have a relationship like a tick and a dog. But imagine the problems when the relationship is between two ticks. True love is in a relationship for what it can give, not get.

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"Now, you can write your book," Sophia exclaimed.

From her trust and confidence in her husband came one of the greatest novels of American literature. He wrote The Scarlet Letter in 1850, quickly followed by The House of Seven Gables, cementing Hawthorne's place in literary history.

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If you were somebody else, would you want to be friends with you? (Unknown)

Be Humble, Not Conceited

''As a human being, one has been endowed with just enough intelligence to be able to see clearly how utterly inadequate that intelligence is when confronted with what exists. If such humility could be conveyed to everybody, the world of human activities would be more appealing.'' (From a Sept., 1932 letter to Queen Elizabeth, found in Albert Einstein: The Human Side, Selected and edited by Helen Dukas and Banesh Hoffman, Princeton University Press, 1979, p. 48)

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Don't walk in front of me.
I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me.
I may not lead.
Walk beside me.
And just be my friend.

(Albert Camus)

David Bowie, one of the most famous rock stars of our time, said,

''I'm very shy. That's probably one of the reasons I got so heavily into drugs.''

"Seems to me a man has trouble enough in this world without borrowing more
with careless words." (Louis L'Amour, Mojave Crossing)

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Chart-topping singer Janet Jackson, recipient of the coveted Life-Time Achievement Award, recently (October, 2001) brought in a whopping $1,998,752.00 in two days of her concert tour. I'd call that success! And you'd think that if anyone felt secure and successful, it would be Janet. Yet in an interview she admitted that she struggles intensely with insecurity. So I'm thinking, ''YOU! Insecure! You're an incredible success! Tons of people love you! Why in the world would you feel insecure?''

Her answer? She traces the problem to a teacher in elementary school who ridiculed her in front of her friends. In her own words, ''I felt so stupid, so small. It affected me so badly, it is something I'll never forget.'' My point? Negative comments can impact people for the rest of their lives. And many of your friends may only hear negative comments. But there's a way to undo that negative impact: encourage people with positive comments. Let's end this lesson by practicing the power of encouragement. (© Copyright 2002 Steve Miller - All Rights Reserved)

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''(He) could sweet-talk a pit bull into kissing a cat.'' (Description of Microsoft's marketing genius Jim Harris, by Stephen Manes and Paul Andrews, Gates: How Microsoft's Mogul Reinvented An Industry - And Made Himself The Richest Man in America, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1994, p. 219)

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We need to learn to think before we speak. As one thief said, as he was defending himself in court,

''Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?''

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What can we learn from this story? As one wise man said, "death and life are in the power of the tongue."  By cutting others down, we can cause people to give up. By intentionally encouraging others, we can revolutionize their lives.  

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The power of words is immense. A well-chosen word has often sufficed to stop a fleeing army, to change defeat into victory, and to save an empire. (Emile DeGirardin)

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''When you've got a word on the tip of your tongue, it's sometimes as well to leave it there.''

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''It's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're ignorant, than to open it and remove all doubt.''

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''Whatever you have to say to people be sure to say it in words that will cause them to smile and you will be on pretty safe ground.'' (John Wanamaker)

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Management guru Peter Drucker claimed that 60 percent of all management problems result from faulty communications.

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''A tongue three inches long can kill a man six feet tall.'' (Japanese proverb)

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I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

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Lady Aston distained Sir Winston Churchill. One day she said, ''Sir Winston if you were my husband I would put poison in your coffee.''

Churchill replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''

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On a Saturday night, a young grocery store clerk locked the door of his store and began to clean up so that he could go home. Suddenly here was a knock on the door. An old woman was standing outside rapping on the door window.

The clerk shouted out, ''We're closed!''

She said, ''I need a head of lettuce.''

The clerk reluctantly let her in and led her to the produce section. Finally, after about five minutes of the old lady inspecting one head of lettuce after another, she said, ''Actually, I only need a half of a head of lettuce.''

The clerk said, ''I'll have to clear it with the store manager.'' He went back to the manager's office and hollered out, ''You won't believe this, but some stupid, idiotic, cranky old woman wants half a head of lettuce!''

Just as he finished, he noticed the old woman standing behind him. He turned back to the manager and said, ''Fortunately we have this fine woman who will take the other half.''

Engage your mind a little bit before you speak and you'll keep from having to come up with something brilliant to get yourself out of hot water.

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''The human tongue is only inches from the brain, but when you listen to some folks they seem miles apart.'' (P-K Sideliners)

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In 1982/1983, Steve Jobs of Apple Computer knew he needed a marketing guru to sell the world on Apple Computers. For months, he'd been courting John Sculley, a career Pepsi executive, but Sculley remained unconvinced. Then Jobs threw him the bait that netted him. He asked, ''Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water or do you want a chance to change the world?''

Sculley went to Apple. Do you have a purpose in life that's worth your greatest efforts? Are you able to challenge others in ways that motivate them to live for higher purposes? (Written by Steve Miller, copyright Feb., 2003. Source: Stephen Manes and Paul Andrews, Gates: How Microsoft's Mogul Reinvented An Industry - And Made Himself The Richest Man in America, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1994, pp. 238,239)

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''Speak ill of no man, but speak all the good you know of everybody.'' (Benjamin Franklin)

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Speech is the mirror of the soul; as a man speaks, so is he. (Publilius Syrus)

Those You Can Trust

''Bruce Larson, for many years president of Faith at Work, advocates that we have at least one other person to whom we can tell everything.'' (The Friendship Factor, by Alan Loy McGinnis, Augsburg Publishing House, 1979, p. 34)

Those Who Don't Belittle You 

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. (Mark Twain)

Those Who Bring Out the Best in You

My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me. (Henry Ford)

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Those Who'll Give You Input

The most unrewarding task in the world is trying to tell people the truth about themselves before they are ready to hear it; and even Aesop, who cast such truths in fable form, was eventually thrown off a cliff because his morals struck too close to home.'' (Syndey Harris)

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A true friend stabs you in the front. (Oscar Wilde)

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Stephen was a 10th grader when he took a job as a sports reporter for his hometown newspaper. His first assignment was to write a story about his school's basketball team. A player had broken a scoring record, making it big news in a small town. So he wrote the story and turned it into the editor, who proceeded to put lines through everything that he thought unnecessary. Stephen could have gotten mad at the editor for tearing apart his hard work. He could have ignored his comments, thinking that he knew quite well how to write. Instead, he loved it, taking everything to heart. Looking back, Stephen says that this editor's ten minutes of criticism taught him more than any of his English Literature, composition courses, fiction courses, or poetry courses in high school and college! He kept on writing and became one of the most successful authors today, Stephen King. (Written by Steve Miller, information from Stephen King, On Writing, Pocket Books, 2000, pp. 56-58)

Mentors

Surround yourself with wise people. After you get them around you, be more concerned with learning from them than showing off how much you know.

While walking to school each day, future comedian Rodney Dangerfield perfected his humor by telling a joke in several different ways to his friends, and then ask which delivery was funnier.

Many people learn the guitar this way. They ask someone who's a step ahead of them how to read a cord chart or how to position their fingers for a certain chord. Then, they practice till they can do it. Whenever they want to do something new, they ask a person who can do it how they do it, or learn to read the music magazines that show how the professionals do it. (Written by Steve Miller, Copyright Feb., 2003)

Michael Jordan, after his humiliating cut from the high school team as a sophomore, began waking up at 6:00 each morning to practice with his Junior Varsity coach. Then there were the basketball clinics he began attending during the summers, where he got input from top coaches.

During his college years, Steven Spielberg spent his time after classes and during the summer helping out at Universal Studios, where he asked millions of questions and watched the masters in action.

It takes more than practice. It takes the right kind of practice. Usually, we need experts to show us how. (Written by Steve Miller, Copyright Feb., 2003)

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We all understand colorblind people. If their parents or wives don't match their clothes for them, they are in trouble. But I'm convinced that all of us have some kind of blindness. Some people are relationship blind. They can't keep friends, but have no idea why. They may have bad breath, a sense of humor that only their mom appreciates, and body odor. But they are clueless about what turns people off about them. Their only hope of not going through life with the problem is if they can get someone to be honest with them, and take the truth to heart.

Fools blow off correction, thinking, ''Who is he to try to set me straight?'' That's why they never improve themselves. They are too defensive to ever face their weaknesses. It's like the American Civil war general whose last words were, as he raised his head above a parapet - ''Nonsense, they couldn't hit an elephant at this dis....'' Wise people, on the other hand, take criticism to heart, regarding their critics as some of their most valuable friends.

Super-successes go beyond taking criticism well; they ask for it.

One day Benjamin Franklin's friend sharply rebuked him. ''Ben,'' he said, ''you are impossible. Your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you. They have become so expensive nobody cares for them. Your friends find they enjoy themselves better when you are not around.'' Franklin took the rebuke seriously and began to work on his relational abilities. The effort paid off in later years as he became one of the most sought out, respected men of his time. At another time, in order to improve his writing, he and some friends each wrote a paper based on a Psalm, and then critiqued each other's writing.

As a young grade-school movie maker, Steven Spielberg would show his films on a sheet, thrown over a clothes line in his backyard, with his sister selling tickets and candy. Between showings, he would get their input on what they liked, and how he could improve.

Basketball Superstar Michael Jordan played an extraordinary game as a college freshman. But that didn't keep him from intently listening to his coach's evaluation of his weaknesses. By working hours a day on these weaknesses, he came a step closer to being the best player of all time.

Bodybuilder Arnold Schwartzenegger asked a fellow-bodybuilder to evaluate his physique. Schwarzenegger took his advice, changed part of his routine, and took another step toward becoming the world's top bodybuilder.

Bill Hybels started a church in a movie theatre that grew, in 15 years, to over 14,000 attendees, making it the largest church in America. How did he perfect his speaking ability? He asked a diverse group of people to critique his sermons each Sunday and write their input, both positive and negative, to help him improve himself. Besides this input, his staff also meet with him the following week to critique the entire service.

If Michael Jordan had refused to listen to his coaches' critiques of his game…

If Franklin had never taken his friend's advice…

If Spielberg had never gotten input on his films…

If Dangerfield had never gotten input on his jokes…

…we might have never heard of these guys.

Those Who Share Your Important Interests

Steven Spielberg didn't fit into the social life of his school. But in middle school he wasn't the only kid making movies. Incredibly, four other students within 10 houses from him spent their time making films while other kids chased girls and played sports. One of these friends said that he doubted Spielberg could have kept his motivation for filmmaking without the camaraderie of his fellow-enthusiasts. By hanging around those who were growing wise in filmmaking, Spielberg became wise.

Listen, if the loftiest goals of your close friends are to get their hair fixed, go to a party, or to try a new drug, you're going nowhere in life and will never make a dent in this world. So, as you define where you are going in life, surround yourself with people who are going the same direction. Then you will find yourself growing wise. (Written by Steve Miller, Copyright February 2003.)

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When 15-year-old Arnold Schwartzenegger caught fire for bodybuilding, he began to hang around the local serious bodybuilders, although they were twice his age. He learned from them, looked up to them, and by hanging around those who were wise in bodybuilding, he became wise in bodybuilding. (Written by Steve Miller, copyright February, 2003)

''If you lay down with dogs, you'll pick up fleas.''

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A writer for the Chicago Tribune recently interviewed a man who helps people who've lost their jobs, usually because of addictions. The interview brought out the importance of having the right friends:

''As one recovering addict put it, 'I don't just have to avoid using, I have to avoid using behavior. That means giving up all my old friends.' Misery doesn't just love company, it has an active recruiting program. Rather than refusing to fail, the successful refuse to stay with failure.'' (Chicago Tribune, 12/30/01) © Copyright 2002 Steve Miller - All Rights Reserved)

Bob Hayes was known as the ''World's Fastest Human.'' A hero of the 1964 Olympics, he won the Gold Medal in the 100 meter run. Later he excelled as an all-pro wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys. He seemed to have it all. But he lost it all in 1979 when he sold drugs to an undercover agent, and received two 5-year prison sentences.

Why did he fall? According to Hayes and those close to him, he chose the wrong friends, who gave him bad advice and led him into trouble. The violation of one life principle ruined his life, plunging him from the pinnacle of success to prison. 

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In elementary school, Bill Gates got into trouble with his teachers and administrators. Yet, although his study habits were erratic, he exhibited ''flashes of insight, talent, and competitiveness.'' He got ''A's'' in math and reading, but ''C's'' and ''D's'' in subjects he considered trivial. In school, he was an ''erratic cutup,'' who deliberately avoided great grades in order to be accepted (it was a girl thing to get ''A's''). By the 7th grade his parents knew that he needed some discipline in his life, so that he could get good enough grades to be accepted into a good college. So, they put him in a different school, where he discovered a Math/Science clique that others considered ''hopelessly square.'' Yet, it was this new school environment and the new friendship cluster that allowed him to find his niche in software development. (Written by Steve Miller, Copyright Feb., 2003. Source: Stephen Manes and Paul Andrews, Gates: How Microsoft's Mogul Reinvented An Industry - And Made Himself The Richest Man in America, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1994, pp. 16,18,19, 24)

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Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, once said, ''I'm not an educator, but I'm a learner. And one of the things I like best about my job is that I'm surrounded by other people who love to learn.'' (Bill Gates, with Nathan Myhrvold and Bill Rinearson, The Road Ahead (New York: Penguin Books, 1995), p. 208). As Proverbs challenges us: ''He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.'' (Prov. 13:20)

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Benjamin Franklin was considered one of the greatest men of his time. Yet, he felt he couldn't attain wisdom by himself. So he formed a club, named Junto, which continued for 40 years of his life. While others were hitting the taverns on Friday nights, Junto would meet to present and critique each other's essays, debate issues, and discuss important matters. (p. 65 of Franklin's Autobiography)

At age 18 his chief acquaintances were three people who he describes as ''lovers of reading.'' They took pleasant weekend walks together where they would read to one another and talk about what they read. (p. 41, Autobiog.) So, by walking with wise people, he became wise? (Written by Steve Miller, Copyright Feb. 2003)

Those Who Will Be There When You Need Them

A close friend is someone who...knows everything about you, yet totally accepts you...will listen to your most heretical ideas without rejecting you;...and knows how to criticize you in a way you'll listen to. (From the collection of Barry St. Clair)

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"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." (Oprah Winfrey)

In her second year of nursing school, Joann Jones took a test that she never forgot. The last question read, ''What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?'' She thought it was a joke. Although she'd seen the lady, she'd never bothered to find out her name. She asked the professor if the last question counted toward the grade. The prof replied, ''Absolutely. In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello.'' She got the point, starting by learning that the cleaning lady was named Dorothy.'' (Guideposts)

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The best index to a person's character is (a) how he treats people who can't do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can't fight back. (Abigail Van Buren (1974))

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Be civil to all, sociable to many, familiar with few, friend to one, enemy to none. (Benjamin Franklin)

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''A young man who gets along famously with all kinds of people, of all ages, was asked how he did it. His reply: ''When I first meet somebody, I always tell myself, ‘He (or She) is a weirdo,' because everybody has idiosyncrasies and eccentricities. Then when that person does something weird I'm not surprised or disenchanted. I still like the guy or gal.''

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''Dr. William Menninger has found that when people are discharged from their jobs in industry, social incompetence accounts for 60 to 80% of the failures. Only 20 to 40% are due to technical incompetence.'' (The Friendship Factor, by Alan Loy McGinnis, Augsburg Publishing House, 1979, p. 15)

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When the son of his sales manager was hurt trying to break up a fight in school, Gary sent the youngster a book on body-building and self-defense.

A few weeks after his controller complimented him on a pipe he was smoking, Feldmar had one of his Sasieni Four Dots fitted with a new bit and gave it to him.

The morning after Feldmar hired a new manager, the man's wife received a bouquet of flowers to welcome her to the company.

One of his salesmen had been putting in long hours traveling to take care of out-of-town customers, and he was having marital problems. The problem was magnified one morning when the salesman's wife left her wedding ring in his jacket. When the salesman revealed his problem to Feldmar, he was given a two-week vacation, and Excello picked up the tab. Feldmar's answer was, ''So it cost the company two weeks – it was what he needed, and we want to keep our people happy.'' Do you want to build a multi-million dollar business? Perhaps you should start with good human relations. (Joe Griffith, Speaker's Library of Business Quotes)

Be Proactive: Have a Strategy